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Sunday, December 6, 2009


I'm ready. For what you ask? I'm not sure what it is that I'm ready for, but I'm ready. I'm ready to see what new things God is going to do for me in this coming year. I'm ready to see what awesome things He is going to do with my church, Catalyst. I'm ready. I'm ready to "Run the win the prize..."; I'm ready to see what great things He has in store for me.

I'm ready to do what I need to do to pay off bills and debt and build savings. I'm ready to find a small, cozy place to call my own that I can afford. I'm ready for new beginnings.

Catalyst was really, super awesome tonight! We talked about Job and how he had everything taken from him except his life and he praised God through every tragedy he faced. We talked about Christmas and what it is really all about. We talked about the names in Genesis 5: Adam, Seth, Enosh, Kenan, Mahalalel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, Lamech, & Noah. We talked about how these names mean (in order): Man, Appointed, Mortal, Sorrow, The Blessed God, Shall Come Down, Teaching, His death shall bring, The Despairing, Rest/Comfort. Do you see the beautiful message that is in Genesis 5, almost hidden in all those names? Read it again...."Man was Appointed, but he was Mortal, full of Sorrow. The Blessed God Shall Come Down Teaching and His death shall bring The Despairing, Rest & Comfort." What a beautiful promise that was made. Now, reread the meaning for "Jared"...."Shall Come Down". That's what Christmas is all about...about how Christ "came down" for us!! I love finding the "hidden" promises like these!!!

This is why I am ready! I am fired up and ready to roll!! Nothing like a beautiful night of preaching with amazing and wonderful friends and family to get you fired up and ready to roll for GOD! And since it's the first Saturday of the month, we went to Famulari's (a local pizza joint), and enjoyed some great pizza and awesome fellowship!

It is time....time to pull out Christmas decorations and put the tree up. Time to scrub the house down and reorganize. Time to enjoy friends and family who come to call. Time to clear out all the clutter....household clutter and "body" clutter too. Time to start fresh. Time to prioritize responsibilities and stay on top of things. It is time. There's beautiful weather outside, Christmas music on the radio, bright stars in the sky, holiday happenings around town, presents to buy and wrap...and unwrap too! Time for family gatherings, ham & turkey & all the fixings. Time to treasure our friends (and our family!!). Time to remember why we're remember that there is a HIGHER calling! "This world is not my home, I'm just passing through."

As we move on into the Christmas season, full steam ahead....stop and remember the REASON for the SEASON! No greater gift has been given than that of Jesus Christ! His birth was the greatest gift of all and we are so blessed to be able to celebrate it!



Thursday, December 3, 2009


Just a very quick blog here to update...hopefully more details soon!
Today has been a very good day!! Not only did I get a check in the mail for the refund of my student loans (excess not needed for this year), but at the BMA meeting tonight (school meeting), we were informed that come May 2010 there will be a new system to the online classes!! And new classes, cores and electives, will also be available online!! BUT the best part of this meeting is that come MAY....there will no longer be a mandatory weekly meeting!! THIS IS AWESOME because it means that I will be able to be a part of my small group!! I of course, want to be a part of it between Jan and May but at least I know that in May I will definitely be a part of it!!

God is soo good!! He has provided EVERY SINGLE MONTH this year! One month at a time and for sure not in MY time, but He has provided over and over and over and I just don't know how to thank Him enough!! I would normally stress terribly over bills not getting paid and such, but the last few times ends haven't met, I've just been like, "oh well, it will get paid when it gets paid. Something will give soon." And sure enough, every time, God makes a way for a little extra money to come my way!! I am so very thankful!

Romans 5 has stuck with me ever since we talked about it in small groups...."Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Ever since I started to tithe again, and ever since I began to depend solely on HIM again, everything has fallen into place time and time again. It is nothing I am is all GOD!! It is all HIS hands at work in my life. He has provided financially, emotionally, mentally, physically; He has provided the right person in my life at the right time; the right song on the radio or verse in my head; the right lesson or sermon at church; the right place at the right time. I am continually amazed at how AMAZING it is to watch GOD work in MY life!! Yes, in MY LIFE!!

In other news, Christmas season is now upon us! As usual I've waited til the last minute to get Christmas presents ready so now I'm scrambling. Got lots of good ideas and just trying to figure out how to put them together.

Last weight check I'd lost a total of 13lbs and almost 2 sizes this year. Finally below 140! (Yes, I just put that on blogger for all the world to see!!!) I've got 20-25 lbs left to go to meet my goal!! Another 3-4 sizes to go too. I've been walking a lot Friday-Monday, and for the most part I've been eating better but these last 2 weeks have been off---a lot of junk food and carbs found their way into my mouth! Well, thats okay because tomorrow is a new day and I can start over! I am proud that I've made it this far, even if it did take me this long to get here!! :)

I am almost ready to sew the first row of my quilt together!! I have to cut one more square and then I'm ready to!! I'm so excited!! I cannot wait to put this together!! This row defines the rest of my blanket! I have pics posted on my facebook!!

That's about all for now!!! Busy weekend/week ahead of me! Best get some sleep so I can make it through! ;)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving 2009

This is a post I sent in to a coupon site who was doing a "I'm thankful for..." blog for Thanksgiving. If you are reading this, I'm thankful for YOU! For what you bring into my life, for the joy of knowing you, and for the friendship I have with you!!

I am so very thankful for my Heavenly Father and the promises that He keeps to His children!! He has held me up through a very, very tough 2009 and has poured out blessings over and over on me. My life fell apart, or so it seemed, in the spring when my husband left me. Through Gods grace and my incredible family and church family, I walked through the tough times this trial has brought me and have seen Gods amazing hand at work over and over and over in every aspect of my life this year. It is only through His grace that I was able to “let go and let God” where my marriage was concerned, where my bills were concerned, where every aspect of life was concerned. I am continually amazed at and thankful for the work He is doing in my life. He has provided income every time it seemed that the bills wouldn’t get paid. He has provided words of comfort, encouragement, strength, peace, and wisdom at every turn through friends, family, His Word, my small group, my church, a song on the radio, a friends blog….so many very different ways He has provided!!

I am so very thankful for the blessings that couponing has afforded me, both for myself and for the people I’ve been able to bless with the coupon system. I am thankful for the money saved and the stocked pantry/freezer. I am forever thankful for the family that I have who has stood beside me and supported me in any way possible. I’m forever grateful for my friends who have stood by me in thick and thin. My church family is just incredibly awesome and I’m thankful for the chaotic events of 2008 that led to the birth of my church today! I am so thankful that God has a plan, and that he makes something good come from something we see as bad.

I am thankful for the little things in my life….a roof over my head, a well-running car, a job, good neighbors, food in my pantry, clothes on my back, friends, my dog, my cats, good health, fall weather, a good book to read, my front porch swing…and so much more!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

November...a New Month

It is November! A new month with new goals! I have a lot that I want to accomplish and if I write it down it has more of a chance of getting done that if I just say it. So for this first week of biggest goal is to lose 2 lbs. That is a huge goal for me and will include increased exercise and less junk food.

Here is my potential "schedule" for this week:

Monday---day off; run errands; 10 min workout; 2 miles + walk/jog; clean house; find 2 recipes to cook this week

Tues---work; 10 min workout during lunch;

Wed—work; 10 min workout at lunch; class (no walk)

Thurs---work; 2-3 miles in PM (break from 10 min workout)/homework

Friday—day off; chiropractic appointment; potential hour walk with friend; errands; 2 miles+ (if AM walk doesn’t happen)

In the midst of all this I want to cook at least twice this week (got chicken thawing for rolled Italian chicken) which includes a main dish, a veggie, and a potential bread recipe. This week I also want to clean my windows and clean out my fridge/freezer. But I dont want to spend all of my days off doing chores. I'm learning to let some things go so that I can enjoy life, the beautiful weather, friends and family. I'm also learning to continually praise, worship, and seek God! Its amazing the perspective of life you have when your focus is on Him! He makes all things new and He is faithful.

A friend of mine and I are challenging each other to find ways to live frugally, eat better, exercise more and get our houses back in shape (both physically and mentally, spiritually and emotionally). So together hopefully we will encourage and inspire each other to accomplish some of our goals. To have that accountability partner in life makes all the difference sometimes and it's really awesome to have someone to bounce around ideas and thoughts.

My journey this year has been a roller coaster. It has been up and it has been down. I've been on top of the mountain and I've been in the lowest of valleys. But always my God has been right there ...pulling me through and holding me close. Through the trials and tribulations that 2009 has brought my way, God has been pursuing me. He has been molding me and He has been preparing me. I have chosen to praise Him and to serve Him while I'm waiting for His works to unfold. I've chosen to be faithful and to listen to Him ... in return He has blessed me over and over and over. Even when I fall back into my "human" mindset of "this isnt' working; there is no way", etc; God is still faithful; He is still proving Himself over and over and again. I have been drawn so much closer to Him this year than ever before. A lot of sadness has happened and there are some things that I still find myself crying over, but God is making this into something amazing!! I am so excited about the possibilities He has in store for me. I'm excited to find that spot where I'm supposed to be. I'm excited to meet the people He is putting into my life. I'm happy. I'm peaceful and content with what He is doing. I'm content to wait on Him; to learn to depend continually on Him through the good and the bad. I am making changes in my life that I pray will stay with me. I am attempting to get out of debt quickly so that I can be a better steward of my money. I am attempting to find additional sources of income so as to pay off debt, build savings, fix the house, and just in general keep everything up to date.

God is teaching me a tremendous amount of knowledge from His Word. He is continually surrounding me with godly people who are a great encouragement to me. We are studying Romans in small groups at church and it is incredible how much it relates to my own life right now!! Read Chapter 5!!

So this November, as we move into the holiday season, I am thankful for my church, to the people who have wrapped their arms around time and time again to rejoice or to cry with me; who have taught me so incredibly much about life and God. I'm thankful for my family--as crazy as they are ;)--for always being there for me and loving me! I'm thankful for my friends--all of them--each one is special and contributes to my life in ways they may never know. I'm thankful for my God, who is my Rock, my Creator, my Supporter, my Comfort, my Strength, my Wisdom, my Joy!! I'm thankful for a job, to be caught up on bills, to have paid off some debt this year, for the glorious weather, for beautiful music and for good health!!

God is amazing!!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Life As I Know It

It has been a very long time since I have written any kind of poetry or short stories. I miss it. I miss the freedom of writing and the satisfaction of making something come together. I have not felt any motivation to actually write but today I was going through some things and this just hit me. And it is so incredibly true!! So much of my testimony from 2009 is found here in this poem. Life as I know it has truly come to end this year and I have truly begun to begin again. God is amazing and I can't thank Him enough!


Life as I know It

Life as I know it has come to an end,

Now it is time to begin again.

With blessed assurance I cling to Christ,

My hope is in Him and I walk in the Light.

The trials of this world cannot keep me down,

The stress of human life will not make me frown.

My God above has a plan for me,

His plan has no harm, only prosperity.

His mercy and grace surround me like smoke,

His glorious love fills me with hope.

My God is my Rock and He is faithful and true,

He will not let me fail, He will carry me through.

When times are hard I cry out His name,

In the valley or on the mountain, I will praise Him every day.

Life as I know it has come to an end,

Now with God’s help, I will begin again.

Copyright ©October 31, 2009 Humminbird Creations

Life As I Know It

It has been a very long time since I have written any kind of poetry or short stories. I miss it. I miss the freedom of writing and the satisfaction of making something come together. I have not felt any motivation to actually write but today I was going through some things and this just hit me. And it is so incredibly true!! So much of my testimony from 2009 is found here in this poem. Life as I know it has truly come to end this year and I have truly begun to begin again. God is amazing and I can't thank Him enough!


Life as I know It
Life as I know it has come to an end,
Now it is time to begin again.
With blessed assurance I cling to Christ,
My hope is in Him and I walk in the Light.
The trials of this world cannot keep me down,
The stress of human life will not make me frown.
My God above has a plan for me,
His plan has no harm, only prosperity.
His mercy and grace surround me like smoke,
His glorious love fills me with hope.
My God is my Rock and He is faithful and true,
He will not let me fail, He will carry me through.
When times are hard I cry out His name,
In the valley or on the mountain, I will praise Him every day.
Life as I know it has come to an end,
Now with God’s help, I will begin again.
Copyright ©October 31, 2009 Humminbird Creations

Saturday, September 12, 2009

God is Awesome

Do you know how awesome God is?!?!! My heart is entirely full and my cup runneth over!! He has been incredibly amazing these last few months! I've been going through crap but he has continuously put people and things in my life to remind me that he is there, he is almighty God, and he will always provide!! I have absolutely amazing people in my life who constantly encourage me and have helped me get through the bad times, rejoiced with me in the good, and prayed with me the whole time!! I have an amazing church that I wouldn't trade for the world!! I am so thankful for everything He is doing in my life!! I can't help but feel that right around the corner is something even more amazing!! I am trying to learn to hear Him, and to cling to Him, and I am learning to trust Him more and more!!

Thank you God for everything !!! Just absolutely everything!! ;)

Friday, August 28, 2009

"Oh Little One"

Oh, Little One

A tiny finger, a tiny toe,
Sweet blue eyes and a perfect nose
Beautiful face, all aglow
Sweet surprise, a few months to go.

A sweet surprise oh little one,
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Beautiful miracle, can hardly believe,
A miracle for us, yet too soon you had to leave.

Godspeed to heaven Oh little one
Gods arms are waiting for you
At the pearly gates of heaven,
Amazing love, awaiting just for you.

Beautiful baby, oh so precious and sweet,
Angels are waiting, to hold you for me
Fly to heaven my sweet precious child,
Be safe in the arms of the King.

When we meet you up in heaven one day
We’ll sing and dance, laugh and play
‘Til then you’ll be in our heart
A special love, and never very far apart

A tiny finger, a tiny toe,
Sweet blue eyes and a perfect nose…
Soar on wings of eagles, oh little one,
And carry our love with you as you go.

~~Jessica R Garner~~
~~August 25, 2009
~~Written in memory of “Baby” Barfield~~We’ll meet you in heaven, sweet Baby!~~

Copyright (C) 2009 Humminbird Creations

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Obedience & Blessings

While I was mowing the grass this morning, the word Obedience came across my mind and stuck. I began praying for God to show me areas in my life where I need to be more obedient to Him. Areas that I need to cover in prayer so that I am walking on His path and following His Word. When we are obedient to Christ, he blesses us in ways that we would never know if we were disobedient.

What is obedience?
Main Entry: obe·di·ence
\ō-ˈbē-dē-ən(t)s, ə-\
Function: noun
Date: 13th century
1 a : an act or instance of obeying b : the quality or state of being obedient
2 : a sphere of jurisdiction; especially : an ecclesiastical or sometimes secular dominion
3: the state, fact, or an instance of obeying, or a willingness to obey; submission

What does the Bible say about obedience?

Deuteronomy 4:1 Obedience Commanded

1 Hear now, O Israel, the decrees and laws I am about to teach you. Follow them so that you may live and may go in and take possession of the land that the LORD, the God of your fathers, is giving you.

Deuteronomy 28:1 Blessings for Obedience

1 If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth.

Romans 5:19 (NIV)

19For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

1 Peter 1:2 (NIV)

2who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood: Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

2 John 1:6 (NIV)

6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

Obedience to God is one of the ways we show him we love Him. He will bless us when we are obedient, when we walk with Him. Life will fall into place if we obey, if we listen and seek His guidance, his wisdom, his strength, his will. What part of your life do you need to be more obedient to Him in? For me, the first one that crosses my mind is financially and physically. I dont mean just tithing regular--but all areas of our finances. Physically, I have not been taking care of my body---which the Bible says is Gods temple, because if we are Christians, he lives inside of us---I need to be obedient at exercising and eating more healthier choices. I also need to be more obedient with my time. My quiet time lacks. I have a hard time developing the habit of sitting down with God during the day to read His word, pray, and seek Him. I worship him through song throughout the day but I need to set time aside to delve back into the Word. I need to spend time petitioning God, going BODLY to His throne (thanks Ms. Debbie), and seeking Him and His will for my life. God is our Father, our Friend, our Savior, our Life, our Stronghold, our Strength, our Love, our Teacher. He is our Wisdom, our Provider---He is there when everyone else turns away. Why then do we not spend more time with Him? Why then do we not petition God for our wants and our needs? For the desires of our hearts? He knows them! But he WANTS us to spend time with Him. He created us for fellowship; He created us in HIS image! HE CREATED US!!!

I want God to be my first love. I want Him to be above all else in my life! Am I perfect? No! Will I succeed with this overnight? No! But I have a lifetime ahead of me to constantly work at perfecting I will NEVER be perfect--I'm human, I'm a sinner.....but I believe that all God asks of us (as far as perfection goes) is that we STRIVE daily to be like Him! That we lay down our cross DAILY to be more like Him! That we make decisions based on "What Would Jesus Do?"!

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to pray that God would open our eyes and show us what area (s) of our lives that we need to work on 'perfecting' our obedience to Him in!!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Truly a Dance of Thoughts

This is not an official post....more like a spot for me to jot down my ramblings while they are running through my head....

I have recently applied to, and been accepted by CSU (Charleston Southern University). I'm registered for classes and had orientation today (which was fun and informative) and now I'm waiting on classes to begin on Wednesday. However, I got my financial aid letter today....since its so late in the year and since I filed my FAFSA after the deadline, I was not awarded any grant money. All I was offered were loans...which is exactly what I did NOT want to do. I am a little unsure about accepting those loans...the Bible says that the "borrower is a slave unto the lender" and I'm in enough debt as it is. A friend of mine has challenged me to pray about accepting the loans for 3 days and see what God says. If I dont accept the loans then I probably wont be able to take my classes. I think what it comes down to is the question of "is school really something that God is orchestrating or is it something that I want and am not supposed to do right now?" Pray with me this weekend that God will clearly open the doors about this situation. I am not sure if I have to accept the full amount of the loans or if I can just accept what is absolutely necessary for my current classes for this year and then see if I get pell grants next year or a job at CSU (which means free tuition).

I know God is doing amazing work in my life. A few paychecks ago I started tithing again on a regular basis and I believe that that step of faith is what has blessed me this month. I have been able to thankfully pay all my August bills and still have money left over. I was even able to put a little bit of money in savings!! September is fast approaching and I know that God will once again provide. He is showing me how to depend on him for everything and how to "let go and let God". My attitude doesn't stay "depressed" for long periods least it didn't this month concerning money. Oh, I was worried there for a little bit but at one point I was just like, "God you've got to do this for me please!" And sure enough he did!

Although I am still technically "married" right now, I pretty much consider myself single. NOT available, just single. It helps keep me from yearning for the old days, for things to be the way they were. I have some awesome friends who have awesome "significant others" in their lives. One pair encourages me to (when I'm ready) seek a man who is totally TRULY REAL and on fire for Christ completely! Who treats me like a jewel and whom I can treasure. (Not to say I didn't treasure the one I had all those years, but unfortunately its a 2 way street and it wasn't being given back.) One pair makes me look forward to the day when God gives me the man he has for me. Another pair shows me that God will make all things work for His good and that His timing isn't our timing. I have so many awesome, wise, Christian people in my life right now! I know its ALL GOD and I am so incredibly thankful for them!! I know that (as far as church goes) I am where I am supposed to be because I am finally being fed, I am finally learning again. The people that are on this journey with me I would've never met if my life had been different, or if I hadn't've "moved on" at a time when I wasn't real sure what to do. God is so incredibly faithful and is continually showing me something new and providing for me and letting things work out. Some people say I have a "simple faith"...and in a way, I guess I do. I mean, God said it so its true! Its in the Bible, which is God's word, so its true. Yet, there are longing within my heart to be a woman of grace, a woman of God, a daughter of the King in ways I have never experienced yet and in ways that I see in all those Christian women who have been put into my life. I grew up in church and I was homeschooled so I have the Biblical background (for which I'm incredibly thankful...its helped shape me into who I am today), but I don't ever remember being taught how to have a relationship with Christ on a "person to person" level. Does that make sense? Like, I knew we were supposed to and were able to walk with him and talk with him and we're supposed to lean on him and depend on him and all......but I was never really taught HOW to do that....I was taught where to read that...where in the Bible to find those Scriptures....but now in this place that I am at, I am being taught how to TRULY walk and talk and depend on him!! I still struggle immensely with having a daily quiet time, not getting distracted while praying, REMEMBERING to pray, memorizing Scripture, and more, but I know that if I will be quiet and listen, that He will speak to me and the more I grow in him the more I will be able to hear his voice.

I long to be a woman of grace, I long to be a Proverbs 31 woman, I long to walk closely with God and to seek him and find him in all areas of my life, at all times of the day or night; for Him to be the FIRST one I go to when I need comfort, shelter, encouragement, counsel, friendship, peace, joy, strength, courage....I want him to be FIRST in EVERYTHING that I do, every thought that I think, every word that I say, every action that I take. I want to be like gold refined in the fire, I want to be the iron that sharpens iron, I want to be .... real. I want to be .... true. I want to be.... Gods--completely.

In the aspect of house clutter....well...there is something soothing about a clean house. I cleaned house furiously for a several hours this week. I did floors, dishes, laundry, bathrooms, catbox, trash, dusted, cleaned the counters, cleaned the sinks, watered the garden, filed bills, straightened up, and more. I still have a ton of clutter to go through and a ton of stuff to reorganize and find a place for but I feel like I'm on the verge of something. ...........

I feel like I'm on the verge of a release. Whether it be financially, emotionally, physically...I'm not sure. But God has just been so incredibly good to me....he has made me MORE aware of HIM this year than he has ever been before! I know...I KNOW he has a plan for me (Jer 29:11) and I KNOW that he will not let harm come to me. I KNOW his grace abounds and I KNOW he is and will use me. I'm just not sure of all the details and that is another area where I have to learn to trust him. I am a very detailed-oriented person. I like to have everything planned out. I have a bit of OCD about stuff like that. However, Gods timing isn't my timing. He knows so much better what is good for me and at just the right time. My duty is to wait and let Him work. Thats a very tough lesson I have to learn....but if we were to go ahead and do everything we thought we needed or wanted, we would miss out on some very valuable lessons, some very awesome blessings and potentially the chance to use our lives as a witness to someone else who is watching.

God knows the desire of our heart. A friend of mine reminds me of that constantly. I can hear her say those words to me. He KNOWS that I want to go back to school; he KNOWS that I want a piano I can play; He KNOWS that I want to be debt free and financially secure; He KNOWS that my heart aches with the pain of losing 2 people I loved this year; He KNOWS that I rejoice for the people he has put in my life; He KNOWS that I love my family and want the best for them; He KNOWS that I have dreams for the future; He KNOWS that I want to find someone who will treasure me and take care of me; He KNOWS that I long to be a godly wife; He KNOWS that I want to travel one day and see places that I can only read about right now; He KNOWS that I want to be a mom someday; He KNOWS that I love to read and to write; He KNOWS that I want to live for Him; He KNOWS...He KNOWS!!!

He also knows how badly I struggle with body clutter!! Ugh!! My eating habits are horrible! I do not eat healthy foods like I should and I have a horrible horrible relationship with sweets. Its a spot in my life that I need to surrender. Hmmm...never thought about that before. How do you go about surrendering so much--consciously--in your life so God can make a change? How do you consciously and continously be aware of how each decision may impact your future (near or far) and how do you learn to be actively seeking Him throughout the whole day---while at work or at school or anywhere? How do you do it? Its more than just reading the Bible (which is an awesome thing to start off with of course). I know its spending a lot of time in prayer...but how do you do that without being distracted? I am easily distracted while praying, I'm sorry to say, and I feel funny praying out loud--especially if I'm by myself. When I was a kid I was always the one they called on to pray, to answer questions, etc. When I was young, it didn't bother me but as I got older it did. So now its tough, its hard for me to form my thoughts to pray out loud --whether in groups or alone-. I always feel like my prayers aren't good enough or that they are superficial, or that I pray the same thing over and over.

There is so much more in my brain that is jumbled up that I want to get down. I want to write again...some nights I feel like I could but then I dont. But then other nights I write for what seems like hours but is only a few minutes. Blogging helps but I long to be able to sit down and write short stories and poetry again. I long to be able to just let it flow. Its been a very long time since anything truly creative has been written. But I feel like I'm in a change of seasons. I feel like the fall breeze is coming. And with it a whole new path of life for me. An amazing story to pass on and walk others through perhaps these same struggles in their life. ~~~

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Reflections & Moving On

Like others, it has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot that has happened and yet I just haven't sat down and written it out. My life has been a turmoil of crazy stuff. Most recently my Papa passed away last Sunday night in his sleep. It has been a very rough week and a half and I still find myself crying when I think about it. Though his death was expected, it was also unexpected. For those of you who don't know, this is the grandpa that I've practically grown up to right next door. For 17 years I've lived in the same neighborhood as them, and for 3 of those years I've lived right next door. I miss him incredibly much and even though I know he is in a better place and he is not in pain and that I'll see him again, right now that doesn't make it any easier. I have so many memories and I only hope I can keep those alive! I also have many regrets and I am trying to deal with myself and those too. If I could go back even one week before his death and redo it, I would be grateful. Life doesn't work that way though does it? If someone had reminded me that last week that each day could be our last, I might've spent a little bit more time with him that last week before he died. I miss him so much!! He never got to be a great-grandpa either! I know thats not necessarily anybody's fault, its just how life happened, but It is truly the last thing I wanted to have on my plate this year! My heart hurts because I just can't seem to believe that he is gone!! Everytime I walk into Nana's house it seems as if he should be right around the corner or that maybe he is just down the road in the hospital because of the lastest health scare! I wouldn't want him to suffer, but I want him back!! But isn't that how we humans are? We want what we can't have or what we have lost? I now have 4 grandparents left alive....both of my parents' moms, my dad's dad, and my great-grandpa.

If you have followed my blog, or know my life, you recently read that things concerning my marriage were looking up. Well, not now. I honestly am ready for this phase of my life to pass. I am tired of the argueing and the fighting and everything in between!! I finally understood some things and truly felt that God was allowing the strings/connection to be cut and assurring me that it was okay not to fight anymore; that it was okay to move on. I know that might sound contradicting to what I've said or what I believe, but through this I am learning to listen to God and to allow Him to work in my life. Something that happened a few days ago opened my eyes to a fact that my marriage probably wouldn't work out, or if it lasted it wouldn't be more than two people living in the same house. There are a few conditions that had to be met for me to take any more steps forward with pursueing this relationship and those conditions are being refused. I truly felt God lifting a weight from my shoulders and telling me that it was okay -- that it was all going to be okay. Please understand that I do miss the first few years I knew my husband (when I first met him, dating him, and our first year or so of marriage)--those times were good for the most part and I miss the friends that we were back then. I miss the fun things that we did and the hours we would spend talking, the long walks on the beach in content quiet, the weekend trips to Greenville to see his family, and so much more! And I will truly truly miss his family! I love my in-laws!! They have always treated me like a daughter and have loved me from the start. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Justin and I should've just stayed friends, if we'd still be friends today. What would've happened to us if we hadn't gotten married? Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didnt' marry him. And I probably wouldn't know half the people I do know, or have half the relationships that I do if we hadn't've gotten married. So I think in the end it comes to a part of life that you learn from the mistakes and the bad memories, cherish the good memories, and allow the trials to make you a better person.

I truly am very excited about what is to come, though. I have had to redo my "goal" list and I have had to rethink my strategies, but I have some big goals I want to meet and I have some dreams that I want to reach for. It will all take time and money of course, and it will take a lot of dedication but I know I can do it. I am surrounded by a huge network of support; of people who care and want the best for me. Some of whom have been down this very road I'm walking; some who always have the right words to say; many who always have a shoulder and ear to lend, hugs to give, and a smile on their face. And of course, last but in NO WAY shape or form are they least, I have my family!! I know in my heart they want the best for me and will support me and stand by me. I do not know what I would do without them!!

On a side note, I've changed my goal list a little bit... here is the original lists... here and here . Here are a few things that haven't changed much:
*Pay off credit card ($950 left to go)
*Pay off at least $3000 on my car (if I make my monthly payments it will be just over $3k )
*Lose at least 20lbs and get back in shape (4.5 lbs down, 15.5 to go )
*De-clutter my house: paper clutter/clothes/knick-knacks/etc
*Dig Deeper into my Bible
*Memorize verses like I did when I was a child
*Become a stronger woman and a stronger Christian!
*Read all my unread books (only a couple read so far)
*Began writing again ( I really do miss it, but can't seem to make the time to do it
*Scrapbook more photos in order to preserve the memories
*Shower my family with love
*Bless my friends with solid, trusting frienship
*Start and Finish my T-shirt quilt

I have yet to actually start my quilt. I put it off when I thought Justin was going to leave and then he did so I've been putting it off some more. Hopefully soon I will start on it. I do miss writing! I consider this to be a little bit of my writing, but I want to get back into writing my fiction stories, my poetry, and write out my kids books! I'm slowly slowly trying to memorize verses. It is really tough making quiet time a priority. I still haven't succeeded in even doing it every other day! Scrapbooking hasnt' really gotten done either.

Here are some things that I want to do and I feel that if I can accomplish these things it will open the way for me to achieve some of the other things on my list and begin to eliminate some of my stress:
*Fix the floor that is falling in
*Fix the fence that is falling apart
*Hang curtains on ALL the windows
*Find a wonderful roommate to become a good friend and help cover the bills
*Sell all the stuff on my porch that I've been trying to get rid of to help cover bills
*Build savings up to at least $500, if not $1000 (
*Find a way to completely pay off my credit card, my IRS debt, various other small debts (including car taxes for 09)
*Add the money that was going to the above, to my car payments
*Go back to school, even if its just a few online classes
*Take up sewing....make blankets out of all the scrap fabric I have laying around
*Run 1 mile by Christmas in under 20 min(currently I can make it about 1/4 mile running)
*Establish a routine that does not include late nights and almost-late-to-work-mornings
*Stay active in cardio workouts that will help burn the excess flab!!
*Stop eating so much junk food and eat more fruits and veggies!!!
*Spend less than $25/week on groceries! (
*Go to GA to see my grandma, my aunts/families, and my granddad
*Go to Charlotte to see a good friend of mine

I guess thats a good start! So much going on and so much I want to accomplish!