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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Reflections & Moving On

Like others, it has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot that has happened and yet I just haven't sat down and written it out. My life has been a turmoil of crazy stuff. Most recently my Papa passed away last Sunday night in his sleep. It has been a very rough week and a half and I still find myself crying when I think about it. Though his death was expected, it was also unexpected. For those of you who don't know, this is the grandpa that I've practically grown up to right next door. For 17 years I've lived in the same neighborhood as them, and for 3 of those years I've lived right next door. I miss him incredibly much and even though I know he is in a better place and he is not in pain and that I'll see him again, right now that doesn't make it any easier. I have so many memories and I only hope I can keep those alive! I also have many regrets and I am trying to deal with myself and those too. If I could go back even one week before his death and redo it, I would be grateful. Life doesn't work that way though does it? If someone had reminded me that last week that each day could be our last, I might've spent a little bit more time with him that last week before he died. I miss him so much!! He never got to be a great-grandpa either! I know thats not necessarily anybody's fault, its just how life happened, but It is truly the last thing I wanted to have on my plate this year! My heart hurts because I just can't seem to believe that he is gone!! Everytime I walk into Nana's house it seems as if he should be right around the corner or that maybe he is just down the road in the hospital because of the lastest health scare! I wouldn't want him to suffer, but I want him back!! But isn't that how we humans are? We want what we can't have or what we have lost? I now have 4 grandparents left alive....both of my parents' moms, my dad's dad, and my great-grandpa.

If you have followed my blog, or know my life, you recently read that things concerning my marriage were looking up. Well, not now. I honestly am ready for this phase of my life to pass. I am tired of the argueing and the fighting and everything in between!! I finally understood some things and truly felt that God was allowing the strings/connection to be cut and assurring me that it was okay not to fight anymore; that it was okay to move on. I know that might sound contradicting to what I've said or what I believe, but through this I am learning to listen to God and to allow Him to work in my life. Something that happened a few days ago opened my eyes to a fact that my marriage probably wouldn't work out, or if it lasted it wouldn't be more than two people living in the same house. There are a few conditions that had to be met for me to take any more steps forward with pursueing this relationship and those conditions are being refused. I truly felt God lifting a weight from my shoulders and telling me that it was okay -- that it was all going to be okay. Please understand that I do miss the first few years I knew my husband (when I first met him, dating him, and our first year or so of marriage)--those times were good for the most part and I miss the friends that we were back then. I miss the fun things that we did and the hours we would spend talking, the long walks on the beach in content quiet, the weekend trips to Greenville to see his family, and so much more! And I will truly truly miss his family! I love my in-laws!! They have always treated me like a daughter and have loved me from the start. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Justin and I should've just stayed friends, if we'd still be friends today. What would've happened to us if we hadn't gotten married? Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didnt' marry him. And I probably wouldn't know half the people I do know, or have half the relationships that I do if we hadn't've gotten married. So I think in the end it comes to a part of life that you learn from the mistakes and the bad memories, cherish the good memories, and allow the trials to make you a better person.

I truly am very excited about what is to come, though. I have had to redo my "goal" list and I have had to rethink my strategies, but I have some big goals I want to meet and I have some dreams that I want to reach for. It will all take time and money of course, and it will take a lot of dedication but I know I can do it. I am surrounded by a huge network of support; of people who care and want the best for me. Some of whom have been down this very road I'm walking; some who always have the right words to say; many who always have a shoulder and ear to lend, hugs to give, and a smile on their face. And of course, last but in NO WAY shape or form are they least, I have my family!! I know in my heart they want the best for me and will support me and stand by me. I do not know what I would do without them!!

On a side note, I've changed my goal list a little bit... here is the original lists... here and here . Here are a few things that haven't changed much:
*Pay off credit card ($950 left to go)
*Pay off at least $3000 on my car (if I make my monthly payments it will be just over $3k )
*Lose at least 20lbs and get back in shape (4.5 lbs down, 15.5 to go )
*De-clutter my house: paper clutter/clothes/knick-knacks/etc
*Dig Deeper into my Bible
*Memorize verses like I did when I was a child
*Become a stronger woman and a stronger Christian!
*Read all my unread books (only a couple read so far)
*Began writing again ( I really do miss it, but can't seem to make the time to do it
*Scrapbook more photos in order to preserve the memories
*Shower my family with love
*Bless my friends with solid, trusting frienship
*Start and Finish my T-shirt quilt

I have yet to actually start my quilt. I put it off when I thought Justin was going to leave and then he did so I've been putting it off some more. Hopefully soon I will start on it. I do miss writing! I consider this to be a little bit of my writing, but I want to get back into writing my fiction stories, my poetry, and write out my kids books! I'm slowly slowly trying to memorize verses. It is really tough making quiet time a priority. I still haven't succeeded in even doing it every other day! Scrapbooking hasnt' really gotten done either.

Here are some things that I want to do and I feel that if I can accomplish these things it will open the way for me to achieve some of the other things on my list and begin to eliminate some of my stress:
*Fix the floor that is falling in
*Fix the fence that is falling apart
*Hang curtains on ALL the windows
*Find a wonderful roommate to become a good friend and help cover the bills
*Sell all the stuff on my porch that I've been trying to get rid of to help cover bills
*Build savings up to at least $500, if not $1000 (
*Find a way to completely pay off my credit card, my IRS debt, various other small debts (including car taxes for 09)
*Add the money that was going to the above, to my car payments
*Go back to school, even if its just a few online classes
*Take up sewing....make blankets out of all the scrap fabric I have laying around
*Run 1 mile by Christmas in under 20 min(currently I can make it about 1/4 mile running)
*Establish a routine that does not include late nights and almost-late-to-work-mornings
*Stay active in cardio workouts that will help burn the excess flab!!
*Stop eating so much junk food and eat more fruits and veggies!!!
*Spend less than $25/week on groceries! (
*Go to GA to see my grandma, my aunts/families, and my granddad
*Go to Charlotte to see a good friend of mine

I guess thats a good start! So much going on and so much I want to accomplish!