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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Random Tidbits

It is hard for me to believe that it has really been a year since my husband left me. Since the person I thought was my best friend left and with him took more than just his stuff. He took a part of me, a piece of my heart. God has been faithful though through this last year to help heal some of those wounds and I am desperately trying to learn how to let Him heal the rest of them. He has provided over and over, and yet I still find myself, "if only", "what if"...........!

Saturday, March 20, 2010


planted more flowers today...starting to rake out winters mulch.
can't beat the fire ants!!
loving the spring weather. perfect temp with perfect breeze! beautiful!
hvac is fixed! yay! praying it last for a while now!
needing to get gardent illed by neighbor and start planting!

xx days til camp! so excited and can't wait.
no walk today but worked in yard and probably will "dance" tonight!
need to write again!
fusi knit should be here soon. going to finish up quilt and then work on scrapbooking a little bit. then probably back to sewing projects. i do want to make my best friend a small blanket for her baby, my "nephew". history here---we've known each other since 1st grade and we've been thru thick and thin together! still going strong! i love that girl! she's one of the very few from my childhood that i am still close to. we share everything and call every few days!

have i mentioned i love this weather? nothing makes me feel closer to God than praise music in the background and the absolute wonder of nature. the breeze, the sun, the flowers and trees, birds and other critters! i see God every where i look!

today i bought 4 packs of lunch meat, 3 boxes of oatmeal and a gallon of milk for $6 and some change. :) trying to tone down my shopping siince my pantry is full and i dont really n eed a whole lot of anything

Friday, March 19, 2010


More writings tonight. My brain has been on overload and I decided that I need to start writing more! There is a lot I want to do and when I make a list or make it public my tendency to do it is greater! This has been a super rough week but today (Friday) was super super AWESOME!!!  It was a beautiful day outside --FLIP FLOP & T-Shirt weather!!! As much as I love the cold I'm ready for some spring weather (key word, spring).

So FANTASTIC FRIDAY started out with my Dad calling to ask if I could take my youngest sister to the bus for school. My day started a bit earlier than expected but that was okay. I only got about 3 hours of sleep (yes another late night) but amazingly I was quite refreshed!! So I got up and did a quick 5 min warm up workout (literally) and took my sis to the bus. Then I wanted to go back to sleep but I was proud of myself because I didn't. I did sit in bed on face-book for a while but I didn't give in and go back to bed! Dressed and out the door for an early morning nail appointment, then to the used book store, over across town to pay the sewer bill, stopped to pay the water bill and found out I had already paid it. THAT was a nice surprise!! Drove through a couple pretty neighborhoods to pass a few extra minutes I had and then met up with my friends to deliver donuts from the fundraiser our youth did to raise money for camp!!  We spent the next 4 hours sorting, counting, delivering, and selling donuts!! I'm not sure of the totals but I'm so proud of our kids because they did a great job! Came home, then delivered some more donuts, ran to Publix, and finally got to come home for the night. Walked a mile with the dog and then did an intense workout via you-tube. Took a relaxing shower and had a yummy salad and glass of wine for dinner. Now sitting here typing a blog.

I am determined to get myself back to a healthier body. One thing I love about this time of year is the longer days! Getting up while its still dark is worth it to have a couple extra hours after work of daylight. My goal this week is to walk 2-mile intervals as many times as possible. I feel certain I can get 8-10 miles in this week! I'm also going to take a Zumba class this week and see if I like it. I really am trying to cut down on the carbs and the junk. I don't drink soda, I don't eat many potato chips (if I do they are baked!), and as far as dairy I use skim milk and low-fat or fat free cream cheese/reg. cheese, etc. This year I'm also giving up french fries for fruit or salad when I eat out. Carbs when eating out will be a challenge....hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, rolls at the steakhouse, etc. If I do eat out its generally a sandwich on wheat, so its not a terrible choice but still.

My flowers are all starting to bloom out front. Especially my bulbs that my sister and I planted last fall. I love flowers!! I have been fighting the urge to go buy more to plant. I really want a snap dragon plant and some marigolds! I need to get my garden started too or its gonna be too late to get a start on it! Tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, carrots maybe, and probably a few other plants are what I'm going to try to get in this year.

It is almost time to start having to mow grass again. I actually like mowing grass, its the heat that kills me! But I'm looking forward to it because of the mulch that I will be able to put into my garden and compost pile! And I love the smell of fresh cut grass!!

More goals for 2010: Finish my t-shirt quilt (almost there!!); read through the pile of un-read books; mend blankets and dog beds that are sitting around the house; organize scrapbook stuff; get my windshield replaced; find a better paying job or an additional one; walk every possible evening after work and on days off; do things for me without being irresponsible!

I have decided that I am going to have some beach days all to myself this summer....Grab a book, a chair, the Ipod, sunscreen, water and a towel and GO! Just Nothing more nothing less. Oh yes, have to take the baby powder to knock sand off afterwards, flip flops, sunglasses, camera, and a note book (can't leave home without it, might get inspired.)  Aww...just the thought of that relaxes my racing mind and heart!

More later on "a year ago"; "gentle goals"; replay of "favorite things" list....

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Questions & Reflections

Sitting here listening to some of my old favorites--music that is. I grew up loving John Denver and I pretty much have his whole collection and know all of his songs! To me, his music is soothing, real, beautiful, relaxing.

It's been a rough day, a rough week, a rough year for that matter. January was awful! I was taking an extremely difficult to understand class with an even worse teacher; fostering a super hyper dog whom wouldn't obey or listen; and living in utter chaos because I was too depressed to clean house, cook, or even pay bills. February was a little better. But then March has just been a LION! I am so tired of it! I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of the being unorganized, I'm tired of my house falling apart, I'm tired of not making much more than what my house payment is every month and not seeming to find either a better job or a 2nd job to make up the difference. I'm just tired! I want to retreat! To go hide somewhere! I will is just 20 days away!

Today has not been the greatest either. Although I have to admit that the majority of my stress comes from work. That in and of itself is another blog entry that is better left private because of the grapevine that is out there. My heat is still out and although I could probably run it on Emergency heat, #1 when I turned it on it smelled bad, and #2 I have a sneaky feeling that probably would run my power up. The advantage to my heat being out is that my power bill for March shouldn't be too high ! HAHA! But its at the cost of being chilly--which normally I wouldn't mind but it was cold out today with rain and no sun!

I had to have my water heater and surrounding floor replaced recently, which means I had to take everything out of the closet where the heater is at. I now have half the amount of closet because the water heater is larger than the original. So my Christmas tubs still fit but I had to move my linen closet out. It is now in the closet of the extra bedroom; the one I keep hoping to rent out. Probably will get a "bite" now that I'm actually trying to use all that empty/wasted space. I have been working in the extra bedroom (one of 3 junk rooms) and have ran across a bunch of stuff that doesn't have a good home.

That stuff included a box full of scrapbook pages, and a briefcase full of "book" items from the book my "soon-to-be-ex" and I wrote/published. What do you do with 5 years of your life? What do you do with things that were a result of "us" ? And will you always feel like your connected to that person? How do keep memories that you know one day will make you smile but right now just make you want to cry again? What do you do with a trunk full of wedding stuff? A wedding dress that was the most expensive thing you had ever bought up to that day in your life? Your dream dress that you wouldn't dare wear a 2nd time, but yet don't want to get rid of it just yet or ever?  What do you do with the rings that with them you vowed "til death do us part" , "in sickness, and in health; for richer or for poorer"; that have the special inscription on the inside of them that was supposed to be a lifelong promise and reminder of Who the love was built on?? The necklace you were given on your first date? Not to mention all the pictures and letters from that once-special person?

Memories like this just simply shut me down right now. I have so many questions with no answers and that bothers me. I'm pulling up to yet another crossroads in my life and I'm stuck. It has been almost a year. And it seems that the closer that year gets here, the harder it gets to keep walking. Maybe because the anger and hatred is gone, maybe because its the ending of a chapter of my life; maybe because its just plain sad. I miss my in-law family and even though I know they would welcome me with open arms and even though I know they still love me, its awkward! I do wanted to keep the trips to see them going but so far its only happened once. They will always be family to me, no matter what! Some people I know don't understand that, but you don't just throw away a whole group of people because one of them hurt you!

What do you do when the very thought of a very special grandparent sends you almost to hysterics because you miss them so much? When the memory of their death is as if it happened yesterday? Does the pain ever go away?

I am turning 25 this year and I look back and ask myself what do I have to show for the last 5 years?  A marriage that ended in divorce; a house that costs more than its worth and has too many problems to count or keep up with; a go-nowhere job that I'm not happy at; multiple half-finished or barely-started projects that drive you crazy every time you look at them!  I did graduate high school (more than 5 years ago); started back to college; helping to build a church; made new friendships and relationships; renewed old friendships; raised a dog from a pup; went camping for the first time 3 years ago this spring and have gone every year since; bought 2 cars...only 1 has been a keeper; paid off a credit card that brought a lot of pain to my life; started a blog!; went through a ga-zillion jobs; turned into a person who doesn't take crap from many people anymore. There's always good mixed in with the bad but its hard to see it sometimes!

There is so much I want to accomplish this year. I just dont know where to start.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

March--in like a Lion...out like a Lamb?

Here it is....March 2010 already! Only the 3rd month in the year and so much has happened already!! Most of it "drama llama" !! There is an incredible amount of stuff going on and I'm so ready for a vacation!!

The first part of February we got SNOW!! Yes REAL SNOW!!!

And it stuck!!! It was sooo gorgeous! I was like a kid in the candy store!! Rosco loved the snow and I even took the cats out in it!! Of course we were without power for several hours and other people were without it for the whole weekend but the snow was amazing!! Everything looked soo pretty and I took over 300 pictures! (Of course my sister beat me and took a couple thousand!). It has been years since I've seen snow and never enough to really remember it! My house looks good covered in snow!

30 days til PWYP!! The annual survival camping trip we take each year! I am so excited and I absolutely cannot wait to get there!! It will be so much fun reuniting with friends and enjoying a week away from technology (most of it) and away from drama and stupid people!! Cooking on the campfire, sleeping in the tent listening to the sounds of nature, playing in the creek, kayaking on the lake...and just having the opportunity to do nothing and enjoy it!

Catalyst is continually sooo awesome!! I am incredibly thankful for each person who makes up Catalyst and I'm so thankful they are in my life! I am so thankful that we have a pastor who speaks the truth and who makes us laugh every week at crazy analogies that amazingly reference the TRUTH in ways we'd never have thought! It is a blast on our monthly Famulari's trip too! !(Thats a local pizza joint that we basically take over the first Saturday of the month to fellowship after church!). The people there are so awesome, the food is delicious and its always a night of fun, lots of laughs and good times!! I'm glad we've made it a tradition!

School is okay. I still have a 4.0 GPA but I really only think its because the classes are online and open book. The last class was painfully hard and the teacher was NOT very good!! So far this current class is okay. Mostly excel work which is easy for me as I've worked with MS Office for as long as I can remember!! I'm hoping to be able to take some core credits this year but it will all depend on financial aid. I don't really want to take out too much in loans because my debt to income ratio is too high as it is and I may need to try to refinance the house when my divorce is final. So that means that I am waiting to find out about pell grants. Since I'm a part time student there aren't many scholarships available --- mostly scholarships seem to go to full time students!

Work I can't say it pays the bills but I guess it helps a little bit. I've picked up some odd jobs here and there but I'm looking for something more stable. I'm not looking forward to working 2-3 jobs but its what is going to have to happen. I know exactly what I need to bring home to break even. Hopefully something will start to work out very very soon!!

Well the majority of the drama lately has settled around my house..almost literally. For a while now I've noticed a 'not-so-nice" smell when entering my house and standing in the laundry room or the master closet. So I decided to clean out my tupperware cupboard, which is beside the fridge and on the same wall as my closet. I pull everything out and notice that the back of it looks wet. So Mom comes down to help me look and she sees water at the base of the wall behind the fridge. So we look at the water heater and it is sitting in a puddle of water and the walls around it are wet!!! ARGH!! The only thing we can figure is the water heater or its piping is doesn't seem to be from the piping but I guess one can't be sure until the heater is taken out huh? Of course that means that the floor has to be replaced too (oh darn). So I have a friend who will replace both for me, I just have to buy the water heater. The electric company will reimburse me $200 for the heater so I will end up only paying about $100 for it. However finding the time to arrange it is a challenge.

So then I wake up Friday morning and my house is only 60 degrees and my "heat" is blowing ICE COLD FREEZING air!! Full blast and my auxilary heat is one!!! I'm like, what the heck?!?! I turn off the unit and post to facebook asking friends for referrals!~ (I got tons!!) Called one company and the guy comes out and is very sweet and very honest....the system I have is too small for the house, as ancient as can be, and is not worth trying to repair. I have to replace the whole system. Just $3200 (approx)! Pocket change right? Yikes!! So right now I'm managing with no heat in my house and probably will not have AC to start the summer out. May have to invest in a couple of big fans this year! I certainly do not have that money lying around and I cannot imagine how its going to work out. I will go through this summer without AC if I have to but I really dont want to. Guess I'd have to find a window unit or two if it came down to that. No heat is bad enough (although easier to deal with) but no AC? Yikes!

My attitude sucks when I'm beyond stressed and I really do not deal with it very well. I am mopey and moody, and basically have a big pity party! I dont mean to I just dont like chaos and hate it when it cant be fixed without money. I'm not asking to be rich I just want to be able to break even at the end of the month and be able to pay a little bit extra off on debt!!

I REALLY want to get my car paid off!! Then start stashing $$ into savings and work on either the house or the student loans (even though they aren't technically "due" until 6 months after I graduate).

My divorce should be final in the coming months. Its been a long and at times painful journey but God is shaping me through it. Someone asked me a few days ago if I would do it all again knowing what I know now. The simple answer to that is yes, I would. I would because it  has made me who I am today. Even knowing all the pain that I've gone through I would still do it over. There are many things I would want to change but overall I would say yes again.  Many people still think that I should stay angry at my soon to be ex and should hate him and shun him from the face of the earth but I don't. I don't hate him and I certainly don't wish any harm to him. Yes, I want him to be responsible for his actions and yes, I want the courts to do what needs to be done, but no, I am not going to be childish and hold a grudge. Yes, I was very angry for a long time but somewhere in the last few months God has washed that anger away and whats left in its place is pretty much just a sadness of the reality of the whole situation. Two wrongs don't make a right and there is no need to stay ugly if the two parties can agree to disagree and at least be on speaking terms, or just be polite to each other when needed. So as crazy as some people will think I am, I know that I have come to this crossroads on whether or not to be a "big girl" about it because God is still in control. He is still shaping my life and commanding my heart. Anyway..

There is a lot more drama entailed but its probably best if its not broadcasted right now!!

I am going next weekend down to a local mall and auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune Charleston show! I think it would be so cool to play on that show!! I have loved it all my life and used to solve the puzzles long before the contestants! I think I get that from my Nana! :)

Chonda Pierce is coming to Summerville and I can't wait to go see her!! I've heard lots about her and somehow she is actually related to my pastor! And then DAVE RAMSEY is coming to Charleston the next week!! I am so pumped about that!! I am a huge DR fan!!

Well since its after 1 am I suppose thats all for tonight, er this morning!! Going to Magnolia's this afternoon with friends for a local rescue fundraiser, but first got to run out to the store to pick up papers, strawberries and a couple rainchecks!