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Saturday, July 31, 2010

"This Classy & Sassy Carolina girl...."

So yesterday, July 30, 2010 will forever be marked in my book as the day I became a MS.!!! (It's also my Mom's birthday!!)

Yes, July 30, 2010 "this Classy & Sassy Carolina girl declared her independence! By state of SC she is no longer a 'Mrs.'"!! The last 5 years of my life finally came to a triumphant close! I can't tell you how freeing that day felt!! I really thought I'd be a little sad but I was on Cloud 9 ALL day!! I was a little nervous at first but it was because of having to see my ex rather than the actual court hearing! It really seemed at times that that day would never come!! I went through hell to get there (yes, I said hell) but God held on to me and pulled me through every trial, even when I couldn't see Him working! He surrounded me with awesome people the last almost 2 years specifically because he knew just how much I would need those people in my life through this journey! I am so thankful for Catalyst--my church--who have picked me up and carried me through more times than I can count when I didn't think I could make it; when I wanted to give up and quit!! The love, encouragement, hope, laughs, tears, and joy that we've shared have been more than I ever imagined!! 

There is are still many loose ends right now and the journey is far from over, but the divorce is final and that is a huge chapter that needed to close! Yes, my marriage ended in divorce but that's okay! I am a much better and happier person because of that! God has taught me a lot and truly I would do it all over again to become the person I am today.

I am excited, nervous, scared, and completely unsure of my next few steps in life. Right now I am still trying for that better/2nd job, and I'm in the process of transferring stuff to TTC and changing my major to Associate in Arts instead of business. I am probably, no, not probably, I AM going to lose the house one way or another. Whether I sell it, short sale it, or let it go to foreclosure, on my income I cannot afford it. I have kept it as long as possible, and now I have to be graceful as I let it go. Granted there are still a few things that could work out that would make it possible to keep it another few months but ultimately I have to get out. I just don't know exactly where to go or what to do. Rent is not cheap around here nor are there very many "good" places to rent at. I've been looking at other possibilities too but nothing has come as of yet.

I know exactly what I would like to happen, but right now it almost seems impossible. Well it does seem impossible! I keep saying I'd like to move out of town and experience something new. But I think I'm afraid that I would do that and then it wouldn't work out and I'd be stuck.  But on the other hand, I don't want to get 5 or 10 years down the road wishing I would've done this and regretting that I didn't!!!! Argh!! Decisions!!

We'll see what pans out I guess. I'd like to pick up my writing career again too! Hoping to take some creative writing/journalism courses when I transfer to tech and get my cores out of the way!

I have found a new verse that has beautiful meaning to my life. Psalm 18:19 says, "He delivered me because He delighted in me."  And an old favorite is Psalm 121: 1-2, " I will lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth."

My new "life" quote is as follows:

"Dance like nobody's watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's heaven on earth. Dance. Live. Laugh. Love. Sing."

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Absolute Frustration

Why does it seem like the harder I try to keep my head above water the deeper I sink? I just feel like the harder I try to work , and the harder I try to better my life I keep hitting roadblocks!! I'm so frustrated with it and so freakin' tired of it! I'm really, really at a loss as to what to do with my house, with my job situation, with not making enough money to pay the bills, with knowing I can't afford my house....with knowing that there are tons of job opportunities making decent money but that would require a move out of town for me. Trust me, I've considered it. I have GOT to find SOMETHING that will enable me to get back on my feet. Frankly, I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck and then not even making it with that. Some people have said in the past that I shouldn't live beyond my means. Well, excuse me, but I am most certainly not. I do not have cable TV, I do not have a gym membership, I don't go on fancy vacations, I hardly buy name brand items unless it is on sale, with a coupon and at a really good deal. I have my nails done once a month for ME because it is something for ME and makes me feel pretty, and because everyone has to have something that you do for yourself. I can't help it that I have a rip off of a mortgage payment, and utilities and such on top of that.
Argh!! Sorry for venting!! I'm just at a total loss right now. I feel so useless and I feel like no matter how hard I try it isn't enough. What's a girl to do!???!!!