Sunday, December 7, 2008
All Mixed Up & Nowhere to Turn
Yes, I know I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't felt up to it. But I'm blogging now...it's all mix & match though so try not to get lost. I would love to write something spiritual and uplifting tonight but its all I can do to keep the tears at bay once again. I do not write this for pity, but I do appreciate your prayers. I'm sorry if it sounds like this is nothing but complaining...perhaps at a later date I will print it out, put it in my journal, and delete it from here. But for now....this is where I have been the last few weeks...this is the journey I've been on...these are the battles I face-day in and day out...this is my storm, my roller-coaster ride; this is who I am behind closed doors; behind the smile that might greet you; behind the laughter that may be shared. This is me right now....
I long for my house to be a house of peace & rest; to truly be "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord". There is so much turmoil in my house, in my life, and in my marriage. I feel like I can't win; like I can't surface; like every time things begin to look up, the roller coaster takes a swift turn and goes down again. Nothing new, its the same story, same cycle time and again. I married a man of God...no not perfect but wanting to do everything he could to serve. Now I've lost that man. I don't know where he went or why he left. I do wish he'd come back. I pray every day that whatever drove him away will be demolished by our Heavenly Father and that man of God that I married will come home. Wise friends keep telling me to be a woman of quiet spirit...I must stop and quote this verse here: " Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (That's 1 Peter 3:1-4.) I try, but I get lost and distracted so easily. I have little patience and cannot hold my tongue for long. I try to pray and my mind wanders. I try to read the Bible and find hope and I get distracted. I long to be a true woman of God...like two of my good friends are (ironically both their names start with 'A'). If I could be just 1/4 the woman of God that they are, I would be so much better off! They have gentle, quiet, and sweet spirits; full of encouragement & always have the right things to say. They always have godly instructions; they're both my guardian angels. Their marriages-though not perfect-are on the right foot. They are in tune with the path God has called them on; they aren't afraid to speak the truth, no matter where they are or who they are with. They respect their husbands and their husbands respect them. They always have an ear to lend and a hug to give. No matter what, they've always been there for me. You know who you are and I thank you!
I feel like I stay stressed out every day. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot find the will power, or the desire to keep up with simple things every day. Anything from household chores, to cooking dinner, to eating right and staying in shape. I do admit I am jealous of all my friends who somehow manage to stay small. And that's another personal battle that rages within me. Four years ago I was fairly thin. Probably from running the halls at SHS. :-) Now, I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror; I cannot wear my favorite dresses or jeans. And if one more person asks if I'm pregnant I'm going to scream!! And yet I cannot get off my lazy duff on a consistent basis to do something about it.
I am sick of myself. I am sick of the woman I am becoming--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet I do not know what to do or how to change it. I cannot figure out the steps I need to take. I was raised in church so I know all the "right things to say/do"; but I want the REAL stuff. Not churchy stuff...I want the real-life stuff; the "in-your-face" stuff. Most of the time I feel like I am alone in this world. A married woman living a single life. I go to church alone (thank goodness for the sisters mentioned above); I run errands alone; I clean the house and cook alone; I feed and walk the dog alone. Some nights I watch TV or read a book alone. I pay bills alone and balance the checkbook alone. I talk to myself alone because there is no one here to listen. I argue with myself because there is no one here to talk through things with and even when there is, it usually starts an arguement so then I feel that it wasn't even worth trying to talk out. I AM SO CONFUSED!!! On the other hand, I'm not the only one who lives here; who swipes the debit card every day; who works crazy hours every day; who locks up and goes to bed here every day.
I guess it boils down to wanting to change but not knowing how; to missing the person who is supposed to be my best friend; to wanting a richer life (not money) and not knowing how to achieve that; to wanting to be on the same path together, with like-minded goals & dreams. As a Chris Rice song says, "I miss the easy days of childhood....where dipping yesterdays french fries in last week's ketchup was all I could mess up..." (paraphrased...not exact!). Although I wouldn't trade parts of my life that I have now, some days I wish I could go back to the high school days where the most pressing thing on my plate was getting good grades and making it to class on time. I'm really just a simple girl trying to figure out her path in life....and getting lost and sidetracked with every step I take. ~~~