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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Questions & Reflections

Sitting here listening to some of my old favorites--music that is. I grew up loving John Denver and I pretty much have his whole collection and know all of his songs! To me, his music is soothing, real, beautiful, relaxing.

It's been a rough day, a rough week, a rough year for that matter. January was awful! I was taking an extremely difficult to understand class with an even worse teacher; fostering a super hyper dog whom wouldn't obey or listen; and living in utter chaos because I was too depressed to clean house, cook, or even pay bills. February was a little better. But then March has just been a LION! I am so tired of it! I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of the being unorganized, I'm tired of my house falling apart, I'm tired of not making much more than what my house payment is every month and not seeming to find either a better job or a 2nd job to make up the difference. I'm just tired! I want to retreat! To go hide somewhere! I will is just 20 days away!

Today has not been the greatest either. Although I have to admit that the majority of my stress comes from work. That in and of itself is another blog entry that is better left private because of the grapevine that is out there. My heat is still out and although I could probably run it on Emergency heat, #1 when I turned it on it smelled bad, and #2 I have a sneaky feeling that probably would run my power up. The advantage to my heat being out is that my power bill for March shouldn't be too high ! HAHA! But its at the cost of being chilly--which normally I wouldn't mind but it was cold out today with rain and no sun!

I had to have my water heater and surrounding floor replaced recently, which means I had to take everything out of the closet where the heater is at. I now have half the amount of closet because the water heater is larger than the original. So my Christmas tubs still fit but I had to move my linen closet out. It is now in the closet of the extra bedroom; the one I keep hoping to rent out. Probably will get a "bite" now that I'm actually trying to use all that empty/wasted space. I have been working in the extra bedroom (one of 3 junk rooms) and have ran across a bunch of stuff that doesn't have a good home.

That stuff included a box full of scrapbook pages, and a briefcase full of "book" items from the book my "soon-to-be-ex" and I wrote/published. What do you do with 5 years of your life? What do you do with things that were a result of "us" ? And will you always feel like your connected to that person? How do keep memories that you know one day will make you smile but right now just make you want to cry again? What do you do with a trunk full of wedding stuff? A wedding dress that was the most expensive thing you had ever bought up to that day in your life? Your dream dress that you wouldn't dare wear a 2nd time, but yet don't want to get rid of it just yet or ever?  What do you do with the rings that with them you vowed "til death do us part" , "in sickness, and in health; for richer or for poorer"; that have the special inscription on the inside of them that was supposed to be a lifelong promise and reminder of Who the love was built on?? The necklace you were given on your first date? Not to mention all the pictures and letters from that once-special person?

Memories like this just simply shut me down right now. I have so many questions with no answers and that bothers me. I'm pulling up to yet another crossroads in my life and I'm stuck. It has been almost a year. And it seems that the closer that year gets here, the harder it gets to keep walking. Maybe because the anger and hatred is gone, maybe because its the ending of a chapter of my life; maybe because its just plain sad. I miss my in-law family and even though I know they would welcome me with open arms and even though I know they still love me, its awkward! I do wanted to keep the trips to see them going but so far its only happened once. They will always be family to me, no matter what! Some people I know don't understand that, but you don't just throw away a whole group of people because one of them hurt you!

What do you do when the very thought of a very special grandparent sends you almost to hysterics because you miss them so much? When the memory of their death is as if it happened yesterday? Does the pain ever go away?

I am turning 25 this year and I look back and ask myself what do I have to show for the last 5 years?  A marriage that ended in divorce; a house that costs more than its worth and has too many problems to count or keep up with; a go-nowhere job that I'm not happy at; multiple half-finished or barely-started projects that drive you crazy every time you look at them!  I did graduate high school (more than 5 years ago); started back to college; helping to build a church; made new friendships and relationships; renewed old friendships; raised a dog from a pup; went camping for the first time 3 years ago this spring and have gone every year since; bought 2 cars...only 1 has been a keeper; paid off a credit card that brought a lot of pain to my life; started a blog!; went through a ga-zillion jobs; turned into a person who doesn't take crap from many people anymore. There's always good mixed in with the bad but its hard to see it sometimes!

There is so much I want to accomplish this year. I just dont know where to start.