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Monday, May 11, 2009

Too HeartBroken to Sleep

So its almost 1am and I can't sleep because I can't stop the tears. My marriage is so broken, my husband has moved out, and i can't stop the tears from coming. I do not see how I'm going to get through this. I love him so much!! I've loved him for 9 years!! Even though he's been really mean about this the last few months, I can't stop my love for him. I don't even know if he ever knew how much he means to me. I thought we'd be together forever. " 'Til death do us part." I vowed for better or for worse. Our marriage was/is so young...and it's just being thrown away. I've been mad at him for so long and now I'm just so sad. I'm so sad that he left. I'm so sad that we will never be "J and J" again. I'm so sad that we will never live our dreams together. I'm so sad that we will never take the vacations we had talked about together. I never thought he would actually leave. I never thought we would ever come to this. We always said divorce was not an option for us, and yet here we are. We are the last couple I ever thought would be using that word. We took so much for granted but I never meant for it to end like this; I never meant to take us for granted, but life happens. I never meant to make him unhappy---I tried so hard to make life better for him. I tried so hard.....
How did we get here in 3 very very short years?? There was so much more we wanted to do together. Everyone says I'm so strong and I'll get through this but do they know how many tears I've cried? Do they know how many pieces my heart is broken in to over and over? I look around and he is in everything. I turn the radio on and there are our favorite songs. I even still have a voicemail on my phone from him from over a year ago when we were fighting and he left me a message saying that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me and he wanted us to find the time to have carefree fun again. I kept that message because he was so sincere and I would listen to it over and over when things got tough just to remind me that he loved me and we would be okay. I see him the dozens of pictures we've taken. I see him everywhere in the house. I regret so much, so very much! And I can never take it back or make it up to him. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this will all be a bad dream and he'll be right there to hold me and make things better. We've fought so much in our short marriage but I would do anything to go back and do it all over again. I would do anything for him to come back, or better yet to have never never left. Why? Why me? Why now? I do not see how I could ever love another as much as I love him. He is in all my memories---we've shared so much!! Why me? What is the purpose of this heartache? What is the purpose of my world to come crashing down all around me? You cannot make me believe that this is how its supposed to be??? I keep beating myself up wondering what I did wrong or what I didn't do....or what we were supposed do/how things could've been so very very different. I've lost a part of me and I can't even function. Getting through the day is so hard...but coming home to an empty house-knowing that he wont be coming home at all-is even harder. Going to bed knowing that he isn't there to snuggle against and be wrapped in his arms is even harder. Knowing that his annoying alarm clock wont be going off at ungoldy hours and knowing that I'll never be trying to wake his "sleep like a rock"-self up again is so hard. Everything I did had something to do with him. Everything I did was to make our life better, so we could live our dreams together one day. I poured my heart and soul into this...I just don't understand!!!! I just don't understand!! I cry myself to sleep most nights which leads to tell tale signs the next day. I dont' want to see anyone just simply because I dont want to talk about it because I dont want to cry again. ASHFLY---Always Serving Him, Forever Loving You was our "code"...we had it engraved on our matching wedding bands....which I miss wearing so much! I miss wearing my wedding set and letting the world know that I belonged to someone...that someone was mine and I was his--forever.
Will it ever get easier? Will the tears and the heartache ever stop? Does he feel the same way? Is he crying over me? Is he missing me as much as I miss him? If so why can't we work it out? Why can't we go back and try again? Why??