"Oh Little One"

Oh, Little One


A tiny finger, a tiny toe,
Sweet blue eyes and a perfect nose
Beautiful face, all aglow
Sweet surprise, a few months to go.

A sweet surprise oh little one,
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Beautiful miracle, can hardly believe,
A miracle for us, yet too soon you had to leave.

Godspeed to heaven Oh little one
Gods arms are waiting for you
At the pearly gates of heaven,
Amazing love, awaiting just for you.

Beautiful baby, oh so precious and sweet,
Angels are waiting, to hold you for me
Fly to heaven my sweet precious child,
Be safe in the arms of the King.

When we meet you up in heaven one day
We’ll sing and dance, laugh and play
‘Til then you’ll be in our heart
A special love, and never very far apart

A tiny finger, a tiny toe,
Sweet blue eyes and a perfect nose…
Soar on wings of eagles, oh little one,
And carry our love with you as you go.

~~Jessica R Garner~~
~~August 25, 2009
~~Written in memory of “Baby” Barfield~~We’ll meet you in heaven, sweet Baby!~~


Copyright (C) 2009 Humminbird Creations

Obedience & Blessings

While I was mowing the grass this morning, the word Obedience came across my mind and stuck. I began praying for God to show me areas in my life where I need to be more obedient to Him. Areas that I need to cover in prayer so that I am walking on His path and following His Word. When we are obedient to Christ, he blesses us in ways that we would never know if we were disobedient.

What is obedience?

Main Entry: obe·di·ence
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈbē-dē-ən(t)s, ə-\
Function: noun
Date: 13th century
1 a : an act or instance of obeying b : the quality or state of being obedient
2 : a sphere of jurisdiction; especially : an ecclesiastical or sometimes secular dominion
3: the state, fact, or an instance of obeying, or a willingness to obey; submission

What does the Bible say about obedience?

Deuteronomy 4:1 Obedience Commanded

¹ Hear now, O Israel, the decrees and laws I am about to teach you. Follow them so that you may live and may go in and take possession of the land that the LORD, the God of your fathers, is giving you.

Deuteronomy 28:1 Blessings for Obedience

¹ If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth.

Romans 5:19 (NIV)

¹⁹For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

1 Peter 1:2 (NIV)

²who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood: Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

2 John 1:6 (NIV)

⁶And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

Obedience to God is one of the ways we show him we love Him. He will bless us when we are obedient, when we walk with Him. Life will fall into place if we obey, if we listen and seek His guidance, his wisdom, his strength, his will. What part of your life do you need to be more obedient to Him in? For me, the first one that crosses my mind is financially and physically. I dont mean just tithing regular--but all areas of our finances. Physically, I have not been taking care of my body---which the Bible says is Gods temple, because if we are Christians, he lives inside of us---I need to be obedient at exercising and eating more healthier choices. I also need to be more obedient with my time. My quiet time lacks. I have a hard time developing the habit of sitting down with God during the day to read His word, pray, and seek Him. I worship him through song throughout the day but I need to set time aside to delve back into the Word. I need to spend time petitioning God, going BODLY to His throne (thanks Ms. Debbie), and seeking Him and His will for my life. God is our Father, our Friend, our Savior, our Life, our Stronghold, our Strength, our Love, our Teacher. He is our Wisdom, our Provider---He is there when everyone else turns away. Why then do we not spend more time with Him? Why then do we not petition God for our wants and our needs? For the desires of our hearts? He knows them! But he WANTS us to spend time with Him. He created us for fellowship; He created us in HIS image! HE CREATED US!!!

I want God to be my first love. I want Him to be above all else in my life! Am I perfect? No! Will I succeed with this overnight? No! But I have a lifetime ahead of me to constantly work at perfecting it....no I will NEVER be perfect--I'm human, I'm a sinner.....but I believe that all God asks of us (as far as perfection goes) is that we STRIVE daily to be like Him! That we lay down our cross DAILY to be more like Him! That we make decisions based on "What Would Jesus Do?"!

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to pray that God would open our eyes and show us what area (s) of our lives that we need to work on 'perfecting' our obedience to Him in!!

Truly a Dance of Thoughts

This is not an official post....more like a spot for me to jot down my ramblings while they are running through my head....

I have recently applied to, and been accepted by CSU (Charleston Southern University). I'm registered for classes and had orientation today (which was fun and informative) and now I'm waiting on classes to begin on Wednesday. However, I got my financial aid letter today....since its so late in the year and since I filed my FAFSA after the deadline, I was not awarded any grant money. All I was offered were loans...which is exactly what I did NOT want to do. I am a little unsure about accepting those loans...the Bible says that the "borrower is a slave unto the lender" and I'm in enough debt as it is. A friend of mine has challenged me to pray about accepting the loans for 3 days and see what God says. If I dont accept the loans then I probably wont be able to take my classes. I think what it comes down to is the question of "is school really something that God is orchestrating or is it something that I want and am not supposed to do right now?" Pray with me this weekend that God will clearly open the doors about this situation. I am not sure if I have to accept the full amount of the loans or if I can just accept what is absolutely necessary for my current classes for this year and then see if I get pell grants next year or a job at CSU (which means free tuition).

I know God is doing amazing work in my life. A few paychecks ago I started tithing again on a regular basis and I believe that that step of faith is what has blessed me this month. I have been able to thankfully pay all my August bills and still have money left over. I was even able to put a little bit of money in savings!! September is fast approaching and I know that God will once again provide. He is showing me how to depend on him for everything and how to "let go and let God". My attitude doesn't stay "depressed" for long periods now...at least it didn't this month concerning money. Oh, I was worried there for a little bit but at one point I was just like, "God you've got to do this for me please!" And sure enough he did!

Although I am still technically "married" right now, I pretty much consider myself single. NOT available, just single. It helps keep me from yearning for the old days, for things to be the way they were. I have some awesome friends who have awesome "significant others" in their lives. One pair encourages me to (when I'm ready) seek a man who is totally TRULY REAL and on fire for Christ completely! Who treats me like a jewel and whom I can treasure. (Not to say I didn't treasure the one I had all those years, but unfortunately its a 2 way street and it wasn't being given back.) One pair makes me look forward to the day when God gives me the man he has for me. Another pair shows me that God will make all things work for His good and that His timing isn't our timing. I have so many awesome, wise, Christian people in my life right now! I know its ALL GOD and I am so incredibly thankful for them!! I know that (as far as church goes) I am where I am supposed to be because I am finally being fed, I am finally learning again. The people that are on this journey with me I would've never met if my life had been different, or if I hadn't've "moved on" at a time when I wasn't real sure what to do. God is so incredibly faithful and is continually showing me something new and providing for me and letting things work out. Some people say I have a "simple faith"...and in a way, I guess I do. I mean, God said it so its true! Its in the Bible, which is God's word, so its true. Yet, there are longing within my heart to be a woman of grace, a woman of God, a daughter of the King in ways I have never experienced yet and in ways that I see in all those Christian women who have been put into my life. I grew up in church and I was homeschooled so I have the Biblical background (for which I'm incredibly thankful...its helped shape me into who I am today), but I don't ever remember being taught how to have a relationship with Christ on a "person to person" level. Does that make sense? Like, I knew we were supposed to and were able to walk with him and talk with him and we're supposed to lean on him and depend on him and all......but I was never really taught HOW to do that....I was taught where to read that...where in the Bible to find those Scriptures....but now in this place that I am at, I am being taught how to TRULY walk and talk and depend on him!! I still struggle immensely with having a daily quiet time, not getting distracted while praying, REMEMBERING to pray, memorizing Scripture, and more, but I know that if I will be quiet and listen, that He will speak to me and the more I grow in him the more I will be able to hear his voice.

I long to be a woman of grace, I long to be a Proverbs 31 woman, I long to walk closely with God and to seek him and find him in all areas of my life, at all times of the day or night; for Him to be the FIRST one I go to when I need comfort, shelter, encouragement, counsel, friendship, peace, joy, strength, courage....I want him to be FIRST in EVERYTHING that I do, every thought that I think, every word that I say, every action that I take. I want to be like gold refined in the fire, I want to be the iron that sharpens iron, I want to be .... real. I want to be .... true. I want to be.... Gods--completely.

In the aspect of house clutter....well...there is something soothing about a clean house. I cleaned house furiously for a several hours this week. I did floors, dishes, laundry, bathrooms, catbox, trash, dusted, cleaned the counters, cleaned the sinks, watered the garden, filed bills, straightened up, and more. I still have a ton of clutter to go through and a ton of stuff to reorganize and find a place for but I feel like I'm on the verge of something. ...........

I feel like I'm on the verge of a release. Whether it be financially, emotionally, physically...I'm not sure. But God has just been so incredibly good to me....he has made me MORE aware of HIM this year than he has ever been before! I know...I KNOW he has a plan for me (Jer 29:11) and I KNOW that he will not let harm come to me. I KNOW his grace abounds and I KNOW he is and will use me. I'm just not sure of all the details and that is another area where I have to learn to trust him. I am a very detailed-oriented person. I like to have everything planned out. I have a bit of OCD about stuff like that. However, Gods timing isn't my timing. He knows so much better what is good for me and at just the right time. My duty is to wait and let Him work. Thats a very tough lesson I have to learn....but if we were to go ahead and do everything we thought we needed or wanted, we would miss out on some very valuable lessons, some very awesome blessings and potentially the chance to use our lives as a witness to someone else who is watching.

God knows the desire of our heart. A friend of mine reminds me of that constantly. I can hear her say those words to me. He KNOWS that I want to go back to school; he KNOWS that I want a piano I can play; He KNOWS that I want to be debt free and financially secure; He KNOWS that my heart aches with the pain of losing 2 people I loved this year; He KNOWS that I rejoice for the people he has put in my life; He KNOWS that I love my family and want the best for them; He KNOWS that I have dreams for the future; He KNOWS that I want to find someone who will treasure me and take care of me; He KNOWS that I long to be a godly wife; He KNOWS that I want to travel one day and see places that I can only read about right now; He KNOWS that I want to be a mom someday; He KNOWS that I love to read and to write; He KNOWS that I want to live for Him; He KNOWS...He KNOWS!!!

He also knows how badly I struggle with body clutter!! Ugh!! My eating habits are horrible! I do not eat healthy foods like I should and I have a horrible horrible relationship with sweets. Its a spot in my life that I need to surrender. Hmmm...never thought about that before. How do you go about surrendering so much--consciously--in your life so God can make a change? How do you consciously and continously be aware of how each decision may impact your future (near or far) and how do you learn to be actively seeking Him throughout the whole day---while at work or at school or anywhere? How do you do it? Its more than just reading the Bible (which is an awesome thing to start off with of course). I know its spending a lot of time in prayer...but how do you do that without being distracted? I am easily distracted while praying, I'm sorry to say, and I feel funny praying out loud--especially if I'm by myself. When I was a kid I was always the one they called on to pray, to answer questions, etc. When I was young, it didn't bother me but as I got older it did. So now its tough, its hard for me to form my thoughts to pray out loud --whether in groups or alone-. I always feel like my prayers aren't good enough or that they are superficial, or that I pray the same thing over and over.

There is so much more in my brain that is jumbled up that I want to get down. I want to write again...some nights I feel like I could but then I dont. But then other nights I write for what seems like hours but is only a few minutes. Blogging helps but I long to be able to sit down and write short stories and poetry again. I long to be able to just let it flow. Its been a very long time since anything truly creative has been written. But I feel like I'm in a change of seasons. I feel like the fall breeze is coming. And with it a whole new path of life for me. An amazing story to pass on and walk others through perhaps these same struggles in their life. ~~~

Reflections & Moving On

Like others, it has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot that has happened and yet I just haven't sat down and written it out. My life has been a turmoil of crazy stuff. Most recently my Papa passed away last Sunday night in his sleep. It has been a very rough week and a half and I still find myself crying when I think about it. Though his death was expected, it was also unexpected. For those of you who don't know, this is the grandpa that I've practically grown up to right next door. For 17 years I've lived in the same neighborhood as them, and for 3 of those years I've lived right next door. I miss him incredibly much and even though I know he is in a better place and he is not in pain and that I'll see him again, right now that doesn't make it any easier. I have so many memories and I only hope I can keep those alive! I also have many regrets and I am trying to deal with myself and those too. If I could go back even one week before his death and redo it, I would be grateful. Life doesn't work that way though does it? If someone had reminded me that last week that each day could be our last, I might've spent a little bit more time with him that last week before he died. I miss him so much!! He never got to be a great-grandpa either! I know thats not necessarily anybody's fault, its just how life happened, but It is truly the last thing I wanted to have on my plate this year! My heart hurts because I just can't seem to believe that he is gone!! Everytime I walk into Nana's house it seems as if he should be right around the corner or that maybe he is just down the road in the hospital because of the lastest health scare! I wouldn't want him to suffer, but I want him back!! But isn't that how we humans are? We want what we can't have or what we have lost? I now have 4 grandparents left alive....both of my parents' moms, my dad's dad, and my great-grandpa.

If you have followed my blog, or know my life, you recently read that things concerning my marriage were looking up. Well, not now. I honestly am ready for this phase of my life to pass. I am tired of the argueing and the fighting and everything in between!! I finally understood some things and truly felt that God was allowing the strings/connection to be cut and assurring me that it was okay not to fight anymore; that it was okay to move on. I know that might sound contradicting to what I've said or what I believe, but through this I am learning to listen to God and to allow Him to work in my life. Something that happened a few days ago opened my eyes to a fact that my marriage probably wouldn't work out, or if it lasted it wouldn't be more than two people living in the same house. There are a few conditions that had to be met for me to take any more steps forward with pursueing this relationship and those conditions are being refused. I truly felt God lifting a weight from my shoulders and telling me that it was okay -- that it was all going to be okay. Please understand that I do miss the first few years I knew my husband (when I first met him, dating him, and our first year or so of marriage)--those times were good for the most part and I miss the friends that we were back then. I miss the fun things that we did and the hours we would spend talking, the long walks on the beach in content quiet, the weekend trips to Greenville to see his family, and so much more! And I will truly truly miss his family! I love my in-laws!! They have always treated me like a daughter and have loved me from the start. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Justin and I should've just stayed friends, if we'd still be friends today. What would've happened to us if we hadn't gotten married? Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didnt' marry him. And I probably wouldn't know half the people I do know, or have half the relationships that I do if we hadn't've gotten married. So I think in the end it comes to a part of life that you learn from the mistakes and the bad memories, cherish the good memories, and allow the trials to make you a better person.

I truly am very excited about what is to come, though. I have had to redo my "goal" list and I have had to rethink my strategies, but I have some big goals I want to meet and I have some dreams that I want to reach for. It will all take time and money of course, and it will take a lot of dedication but I know I can do it. I am surrounded by a huge network of support; of people who care and want the best for me. Some of whom have been down this very road I'm walking; some who always have the right words to say; many who always have a shoulder and ear to lend, hugs to give, and a smile on their face. And of course, last but in NO WAY shape or form are they least, I have my family!! I know in my heart they want the best for me and will support me and stand by me. I do not know what I would do without them!!

On a side note, I've changed my goal list a little bit... here is the original lists... here and here . Here are a few things that haven't changed much:
*Pay off credit card ($950 left to go)
*Pay off at least $3000 on my car (if I make my monthly payments it will be just over $3k )
*Lose at least 20lbs and get back in shape (4.5 lbs down, 15.5 to go )
*De-clutter my house: paper clutter/clothes/knick-knacks/etc
*Dig Deeper into my Bible
*Memorize verses like I did when I was a child
*Become a stronger woman and a stronger Christian!
*Read all my unread books (only a couple read so far)
*Began writing again ( I really do miss it, but can't seem to make the time to do it
*Scrapbook more photos in order to preserve the memories
*Shower my family with love
*Bless my friends with solid, trusting frienship
*Start and Finish my T-shirt quilt

I have yet to actually start my quilt. I put it off when I thought Justin was going to leave and then he did so I've been putting it off some more. Hopefully soon I will start on it. I do miss writing! I consider this to be a little bit of my writing, but I want to get back into writing my fiction stories, my poetry, and write out my kids books! I'm slowly slowly trying to memorize verses. It is really tough making quiet time a priority. I still haven't succeeded in even doing it every other day! Scrapbooking hasnt' really gotten done either.

Here are some things that I want to do and I feel that if I can accomplish these things it will open the way for me to achieve some of the other things on my list and begin to eliminate some of my stress:
*Fix the floor that is falling in
*Fix the fence that is falling apart
*Hang curtains on ALL the windows
*Find a wonderful roommate to become a good friend and help cover the bills
*Sell all the stuff on my porch that I've been trying to get rid of to help cover bills
*Build savings up to at least $500, if not $1000 (www.daveramsey.com)
*Find a way to completely pay off my credit card, my IRS debt, various other small debts (including car taxes for 09)
*Add the money that was going to the above, to my car payments
*Go back to school, even if its just a few online classes
*Take up sewing....make blankets out of all the scrap fabric I have laying around
*Run 1 mile by Christmas in under 20 min(currently I can make it about 1/4 mile running)
*Establish a routine that does not include late nights and almost-late-to-work-mornings
*Stay active in cardio workouts that will help burn the excess flab!!
*Stop eating so much junk food and eat more fruits and veggies!!!
*WRITE!! WRITE!!
*Spend less than $25/week on groceries! (www.southernsavers.com)
*Go to GA to see my grandma, my aunts/families, and my granddad
*Go to Charlotte to see a good friend of mine


I guess thats a good start! So much going on and so much I want to accomplish!

Thursday Night Rambles

Right off I'm going to warn you this is a post of rambling...just have a lot going through my head and need to write it down.

Sometimes I wish that I lived closer to the beach so I could go sit and read and relax!! I love reading on the beach! It's so calming....sitting there listening to the waves break, feeling the wind blow, hearing the birds cry, knowing that there are a ton of people around and yet its so quiet!! I wouldn't mind walking on the beach every day--makes the miles pass A LOT quicker!

I am thoroughly having a good time cleaning and decluttering my house, not to mention rearranging it. my living room looks really good---at least the front half of it does--!! I've moved on into the office which is an absolute mess! I do not know what to do with all the paper clutter! I hate it! But I'm one of those people who are afraid to throw it out b/c what if I need it down the road? *sigh* Thats' how I am with most everything though and I really do not like being a pack rat at all!

So I found a new workout series that I LOVE!~! Its the 10 min solutions...I did ab work, buns & thighs, and dance sculpt last night! For a total of 30 min work out it was the best one I've done and I truly felt like I had actually worked out!! Tonight I worked out in the pool (no seriously) and tomorrow I intend to do the work out again. Its supposed to get hot again so I don't want to be depending on walks right now...way too hot!!

I'm at a loss with everything else in my life...money, jobs, marriage.....the only thing I am sure about is my church!! I'm so thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people...most are my best friends but I am so grateful! I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for them!!

Ever been stuck in the middle of something? Or worse, stuck b/t a rock and a hard place?? Thats kinda how I feel with everything surrounding my marriage/separation!! I'm legally separated now for a year...June 2010. I thought things were actually going smoothly but a week and a half ago the top blew out again...all because I was trying to explain how I feel about a certain delicate subject. Hopeless is the best way to describe how I feel right now. *Sigh* I just really dont know what to do. On one hand I feel like I should just let it go and move on. But on the other hand, I feel like I still need to fight for my marriage. But then again I dont know. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I know it builds character and it makes us who we are ! And no one said life would be easy or fair. I just never expected to have to deal with any of this at any point in my life!! I started to read an article today...I had to stop reading it (I was surrounded by people) because it was making me cry. Read it..it talks about how this particular marriage the person was secure in knowing that no matter what her spouse was there..through thick and thin, good and bad. Need I say more?

Ok now that I have gotten some things off my chest, I'm going to bed now!

To Praise God...

(Concerning Divorce)......."First, you need someone who is willing and able to walk with you during this time. Someone who will not just sympathize with you, but will also hold you accountable to look at the biblical issues and do what is right. I believe that if at all possible, the best person to do this is your pastor. Another person might be a counselor trained to use the Bible.

Second, you need the church of Jesus Christ surrounding you. Be very careful you don't pull away from the church. Each part of the body needs the other. Make it clear to others in your church you don't want to be left alone. You need their love, encouragement and good counsel. The last thing you need to do is make any decisions about your marriage in a vacuum.

Third, you need to seek God in His Word and cry out to Him to know His ways and His heart for what you should do and how you should respond to your spouse. If you are looking to legitimize your reasons for divorce … slow down, even stop. Notice how much of Scripture is given to God's messages of forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, understanding, and patience.

How much value will you place on the vows you spoke to your mate before the face of your God? When you consider how much God values a covenant, what are the obligations of your marriage covenant before Him?

Will you be patient to wait for God to work in your marriage in a way you have not considered? Will you look to Him to give you the wisdom, the resources, the encouragement you need to do above and beyond what you ever could imagine or think?

Ask God to show you what you can do to rebuild your marriage. Remember, God specializes in redeeming the unredeemable. It is His preeminent desire for your marriage.

In closing, I'd like to challenge you to begin to pray together for 30 days as a couple that God will restore your marriage? That He will be the Builder of your home and that He will bring healing to your relationship. Ask Him for a miracle. You will never regret that you prayed ...."

Praise God for wise, Christian, Bible-believing people such as the writer of this article (found here ).

I am so thankful for the Christian people who have been surrounding me through this difficult time in my life. God has been so good! They have loved on me, supported me, cried with me, prayed with and for me, given me Biblical and godly advice, encouraged me, uplifted me, showered me with hugs and shoulders to cry on, and they have never stopped listening. They have encouraged me to do the right thing no matter what anyone said, what anyone thought. They have given me Scripture to take to heart and will not lead me astray. I believe that it is not how many times you fall down that matter, but how many times you get right back up and keep going. God tells us to press on toward the goal that we may win the prize (Philippians 3:14). If you read my last post you know that my marriage is troubled. A month ago I would have told you it was over forever, there was no fixing it. I praise God that he has been able to soften our hearts a little bit; that He has been able to allow us to see how we hurt the other and the many places we were falling short. I praise God that He has softened my husbands heart and began to calm his anger down. The last few weeks we have talked so much -- and we have been able to talk 100% open and honest with each other. It has been amazing! We are still separated yes, but we are both in agreement that our marriage, our relationship is worth savings. There are many people who think we/I am crazy and that it's not worth it and that nothing will change; but I have God on my side and all that matters is that I follow Him! He tells us in his Word several times that he hates divorce! And how many times does he speak of forgiveness? Patience? He tell us women to love our husbands unconditionally and for our husbands to love us as Christ loved the church. All I want is to please Him and do His will! I believe that I am supposed to do everything absolutely possible to save my marriage. I believe that no matter what anyone else thinks, that as a Christian wife striving to live after Gods Word, that if I do not invest in our marriage, if I dont learn from the mistakes we've made, that I am not in His will. My husband is willing to save our marriage and I believe him. I am choosing to believe him. I am choosing my husband--I am choosing to cling to my spouse, to put him before anyone else (except God), and to put our marriage before anything else. There are so many times I didn't put my marriage first and I should have. I see those now and I want to learn from those life lessons. I want to be so in love with my God and head over heels in love with my husband that nothing else in life matters. God has given us a second chance at getting this right and I want to make the most of it...so that we have the REST of our LIFE to PERFECT it!!!!

I feel like this is where we were: "We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up…we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt and hurting that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming." and that is what eventually ended up in us separating. We have to learn how to communicate with each other and how to change our priorities. We have to learn how to be angry but not closed off; how to talk through that anger/hurt and how to resolve conflict. We have to learn all over again how to be open and honest with each other and to trust each other again. I want my husband to be my best friend, the one I can turn to when everyone else has gone. I want to be his best friend; I want to be his encourager, his cheerleader, his safe place. I want our home to be restful, relaxing, cozy, comfy, peaceful, serene, an oasis away from the rest of the world. And most importantly I want God to be the center of everything again!

And I want to thank you for your continued support as this journey continues. I know it will be a rough road and will not fix itself overnight. But God gives us a hope for the future, he has a plan for our life and best of all he never leaves us no matter how often or how far we stray. Praise God for his wondrous and amazing love, his beautiful mercy, and his amazing grace!

Too HeartBroken to Sleep

So its almost 1am and I can't sleep because I can't stop the tears. My marriage is so broken, my husband has moved out, and i can't stop the tears from coming. I do not see how I'm going to get through this. I love him so much!! I've loved him for 9 years!! Even though he's been really mean about this the last few months, I can't stop my love for him. I don't even know if he ever knew how much he means to me. I thought we'd be together forever. " 'Til death do us part." I vowed for better or for worse. Our marriage was/is so young...and it's just being thrown away. I've been mad at him for so long and now I'm just so sad. I'm so sad that he left. I'm so sad that we will never be "J and J" again. I'm so sad that we will never live our dreams together. I'm so sad that we will never take the vacations we had talked about together. I never thought he would actually leave. I never thought we would ever come to this. We always said divorce was not an option for us, and yet here we are. We are the last couple I ever thought would be using that word. We took so much for granted but I never meant for it to end like this; I never meant to take us for granted, but life happens. I never meant to make him unhappy---I tried so hard to make life better for him. I tried so hard.....
How did we get here in 3 very very short years?? There was so much more we wanted to do together. Everyone says I'm so strong and I'll get through this but do they know how many tears I've cried? Do they know how many pieces my heart is broken in to over and over? I look around and he is in everything. I turn the radio on and there are our favorite songs. I even still have a voicemail on my phone from him from over a year ago when we were fighting and he left me a message saying that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me and he wanted us to find the time to have carefree fun again. I kept that message because he was so sincere and I would listen to it over and over when things got tough just to remind me that he loved me and we would be okay. I see him the dozens of pictures we've taken. I see him everywhere in the house. I regret so much, so very much! And I can never take it back or make it up to him. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this will all be a bad dream and he'll be right there to hold me and make things better. We've fought so much in our short marriage but I would do anything to go back and do it all over again. I would do anything for him to come back, or better yet to have never never left. Why? Why me? Why now? I do not see how I could ever love another as much as I love him. He is in all my memories---we've shared so much!! Why me? What is the purpose of this heartache? What is the purpose of my world to come crashing down all around me? You cannot make me believe that this is how its supposed to be??? I keep beating myself up wondering what I did wrong or what I didn't do....or what we were supposed do/how things could've been so very very different. I've lost a part of me and I can't even function. Getting through the day is so hard...but coming home to an empty house-knowing that he wont be coming home at all-is even harder. Going to bed knowing that he isn't there to snuggle against and be wrapped in his arms is even harder. Knowing that his annoying alarm clock wont be going off at ungoldy hours and knowing that I'll never be trying to wake his "sleep like a rock"-self up again is so hard. Everything I did had something to do with him. Everything I did was to make our life better, so we could live our dreams together one day. I poured my heart and soul into this...I just don't understand!!!! I just don't understand!! I cry myself to sleep most nights which leads to tell tale signs the next day. I dont' want to see anyone just simply because I dont want to talk about it because I dont want to cry again. ASHFLY---Always Serving Him, Forever Loving You was our "code"...we had it engraved on our matching wedding bands....which I miss wearing so much! I miss wearing my wedding set and letting the world know that I belonged to someone...that someone was mine and I was his--forever.
Will it ever get easier? Will the tears and the heartache ever stop? Does he feel the same way? Is he crying over me? Is he missing me as much as I miss him? If so why can't we work it out? Why can't we go back and try again? Why??