Rambles

Here I sit on a Wednesday night----one week ago, this time last week I was sitting around the campfire having a good time with extended family up on the mountain! Great times, good food, and amazing people! I miss them all incredibly!! Can't wait for the next camping trip!

Remembering

Sitting here thinking again. Enjoying the gentle breeze as I sit in my front porch swing. Oh how I love this swing! I love hearing the crickets sing, the birds chirp, got the radio on in the background...fresh spring air-oh how I love it! The sky is beautiful as it turns all shades of orange and red and fades into the night sky. I feel a change coming and its times like this one that I finally feel hope again. It seems to fade during the day but there's something about finding that special spot that brings back the feeling that everything will be okay.

Spring is definitely here. Flowers and trees are blooming, the days are getting warmer, uh, hotter...birds are everywhere, and the bugs are finding their way out (ugh)! The geese fly over head and honk their greeting. I know most of them are headed north to stay cool. The air smells fresh and clean, and though its pollen-filled right now, I can't get enough of it. I am such a nature girl. Though I hate the heat and the bugs, I truly love to be out in God's creation! There is something about it that brings you closer to Him! 

It is April now. OH and the whippoorwills are out, which means the bob-whites will be out soon. It brings back tons of memories of Papa. We used to sit on the porch and listen to the birds and try to mimic them.  He was pretty good at it. I miss him so much. I can't believe its been nine months since he's been gone. It doesn't take much for me to break down in tears when I think of him. Oh I know I'll see him again but he was such a huge part of my entire life!! 

I have been thinking too about this last year of my life and how much it has changed. This time last year...although we fought like crazy, my husband was still at home. He left a few weeks later. So its been just about a year since that happened. So much has happened to me since then. I know I have become a stronger person because of it and I pray I've become a better Christian because of it. I have learned a lot about myself since last April and I have done a lot of things that I may have not otherwise done. I went back to school for one thing, I started attending Zumba classes, I traveled to GA to see family, I started and have nearly finished my t-shirt quilt, I have made new friends and made stronger relationships with the ones I've always had. I have decluttered a lot of stuff in the house and re-organized the rest. I started couponing and getting more for my money. I started tithing again on a regular basis. I've watched friends get engaged, married, and have babies. I've spent more time with family and friends and less time worrying about getting "things" done. Although I still get in my moods! LOL! I watched my sisters grow up another year older. 

As memories were made, many more memories weren't that in a normal course of a year would have been. There were no holidays trips to see my in-laws, no "vacation" weekends in Greenville, no joyous moments as we paid yet another debt off, no midnight trips to get ice cream just for the heck of it (we did that once and it was so much fun!), no dinner and movie dates, no dancing in the middle of the living room to our own music.........oh the list could go on. It is a bittersweet time for me....this whole "divorce" thing is almost over, and yet, a chapter of my life is on the last page. I am moving on as best I can right now, but there are still many times when I just want to rewind or wake up and find that it was all a bad dream. That's normal I guess, but it doesn't make it easier. When he left, he took more than his stuff. He took a part of me; he took a piece of my heart. God is healing it, one piece at a time.

My church family has grown by leaps and bounds (not necessarily in numbers) and I am daily amazed at how connected we are and forever grateful for those awful awful events that led to the birth of Catalyst. It is hard to believe we've only been together a little over a year. It is hard to describe the amazing-ness of Catalyst. It is so real, so refreshing! Our pastor preaches the truth at any cost and we are so thankful. We are not a "huge" church in numbers but that doesn't matter to us. What matters is that we keep building the foundation on the Rock, and that we reach out to the community and share that foundation. I am very excited for our Easter service tomorrow evening! 

Some nights I sit here and hate the fact that I'm alone. That there is no one to come home and no one coming home to me. No one to share dinner with and no one to cuddle up next to in bed. No one to text me all day and say "I love you" or share some silly thought. It's life though and it's okay. I'm just reflecting, so please don't feel sorry for me. 

As I said earlier there is a change coming and I can feel it. I don't know what it is but I pray its good! I've had enough "bad" lately! I am determined to change my income level this year! I'm determined to finish my quilt and I'm determined to get some scrap book pages done. Not to mention to continue to get rid of stuff that I don't need or don't use. I am praying for more income so that I can afford my bills. I hate not being to pay anything!! I am getting better at my "budgeting"....though I'm not yet curbed my "un-necessary" spending habit. It's not as bad as some and I certainly do not use credit cards but I need to be better at it. 

A change is coming for me physically too. I am determined to get back into shape (besides round) and to continue to learn how to eat better. Okay so I don't really want to be pencil thing but I want to cut the flab and trim down!! I have lots of favorite "summer" dresses that I haven't worn in a few years because they truly make me look prego, which would be fine if I was, but I'm NOT!! Anyway---the point is that this year I will not sit on my butt and wish! I'm going to DO !! And please feel free to keep me on my toes and accountable!

I suppose that's all my thoughts for now. Time to plug the laptop back in and get a shower. My book and my bed are calling to me...more packing follows work tomorrow. Hopefully will get around to vacuuming tomorrow and I'll finish the laundry and such Sunday/Monday. I hate coming home to a dirty house after vacation so I have to clean it some beforehand! Sure wish I had tomorrow off! Will be incredibly thankful if I can find a job that is M-F and no weekends!!

~~

Misc Murmurings

What a flippin week! Here I am 5 days away from vacation and I'm so stressed out!! Forgive me if all I do is vent in this blog!! It has just been one of those weeks. I truly to do not know what I'm going to do. It seems like my "year" from hell wont' end. Please do understand that most of this is just because I'm stressed and I need to vent!! I do recognize that I have come far and I do know that there are great things ahead of me. And while most of the time I'm fine and dandy...it doesn't take much to pull that out from under me and then I fall back into the "stressed out" mood! I will be the first to admit that my days off are my favorite days! What I wouldn't do to be able to have my own schedule and be my own boss!!

For the longest time I have not been terribly stressed about money but now its weighing heavily! It is so hard to trust my God above with this area even though He has not failed me yet! I have been searching for employment that will better pay the bills and hopefully have some medical benefits, and everything I apply for seems to fall through. I cannot continue as I am. I fear that I am going to have to totally rearrange my schedule and find a night job somewhere...probably in a restaurant even though I hate the thought of that. Seems like the harder I look the less I find. There have been several jobs I've seen that look real good but they are out in Mt P and Charleston! Doesn't seem hardly worth the drive because of the cost of gas and the time spent driving!  I feel like I have been looking high and low and there is nothing out there! I'm so tired of being poor and not being able to pay my bills!!

Backtracking....last Friday was another good day! I ran errands Friday morning, got my hair cut (SHORT) and then walked the Flowertown Festival with my friend. We had a great time and enjoyed good conversation and good laughs. I worked Saturday but had Catalyst Sat night! Woo Hoo!! Sunday I dont remember doing much and Monday was good too for the most part. Met a friend for breakfast and we worked on a couple projects we have going, then ran a few errands and went back home. Started packing for my camping trip and ended up just not having the motivation. But ended the evening with a Bible study with my peeps which was really great!

Right now I'm tired and grumpy so I think I'll sign off and get some sleep! Such an incredibly busy day tomorrow! Thinking about walking 3 miles with my dog in the morning, shower, more packing and cleaning, nails done at 12 (so I dont totally destroy them at camp), and then more packing and cleaning and maybe Zumba class in the evening! I'm really enjoying the Zumba classes!! Fun and definitely cardio packed!

Random Tidbits

It is hard for me to believe that it has really been a year since my husband left me. Since the person I thought was my best friend left and with him took more than just his stuff. He took a part of me, a piece of my heart. God has been faithful though through this last year to help heal some of those wounds and I am desperately trying to learn how to let Him heal the rest of them. He has provided over and over, and yet I still find myself, "if only", "what if"...........!

Rambling

planted more flowers today...starting to rake out winters mulch.
can't beat the fire ants!!
loving the spring weather. perfect temp with perfect breeze! beautiful!
hvac is fixed! yay! praying it last for a while now!
needing to get gardent illed by neighbor and start planting!

xx days til camp! so excited and can't wait.
no walk today but worked in yard and probably will "dance" tonight!
need to write again!
fusi knit should be here soon. going to finish up quilt and then work on scrapbooking a little bit. then probably back to sewing projects. i do want to make my best friend a small blanket for her baby, my "nephew". history here---we've known each other since 1st grade and we've been thru thick and thin together! still going strong! i love that girl! she's one of the very few from my childhood that i am still close to. we share everything and call every few days!

have i mentioned i love this weather? nothing makes me feel closer to God than praise music in the background and the absolute wonder of nature. the breeze, the sun, the flowers and trees, birds and other critters! i see God every where i look!

today i bought 4 packs of lunch meat, 3 boxes of oatmeal and a gallon of milk for $6 and some change. :) trying to tone down my shopping siince my pantry is full and i dont really n eed a whole lot of anything

More Writings & FANTASTIC FRIDAY

More writings tonight. My brain has been on overload and I decided that I need to start writing more! There is a lot I want to do and when I make a list or make it public my tendency to do it is greater! This has been a super rough week but today (Friday) was super super AWESOME!!!  It was a beautiful day outside --FLIP FLOP & T-Shirt weather!!! As much as I love the cold I'm ready for some spring weather (key word, spring).

So FANTASTIC FRIDAY started out with my Dad calling to ask if I could take my youngest sister to the bus for school. My day started a bit earlier than expected but that was okay. I only got about 3 hours of sleep (yes another late night) but amazingly I was quite refreshed!! So I got up and did a quick 5 min warm up workout (literally) and took my sis to the bus. Then I wanted to go back to sleep but I was proud of myself because I didn't. I did sit in bed on face-book for a while but I didn't give in and go back to bed! Dressed and out the door for an early morning nail appointment, then to the used book store, over across town to pay the sewer bill, stopped to pay the water bill and found out I had already paid it. THAT was a nice surprise!! Drove through a couple pretty neighborhoods to pass a few extra minutes I had and then met up with my friends to deliver donuts from the fundraiser our youth did to raise money for camp!!  We spent the next 4 hours sorting, counting, delivering, and selling donuts!! I'm not sure of the totals but I'm so proud of our kids because they did a great job! Came home, then delivered some more donuts, ran to Publix, and finally got to come home for the night. Walked a mile with the dog and then did an intense workout via you-tube. Took a relaxing shower and had a yummy salad and glass of wine for dinner. Now sitting here typing a blog.

I am determined to get myself back to a healthier body. One thing I love about this time of year is the longer days! Getting up while its still dark is worth it to have a couple extra hours after work of daylight. My goal this week is to walk 2-mile intervals as many times as possible. I feel certain I can get 8-10 miles in this week! I'm also going to take a Zumba class this week and see if I like it. I really am trying to cut down on the carbs and the junk. I don't drink soda, I don't eat many potato chips (if I do they are baked!), and as far as dairy I use skim milk and low-fat or fat free cream cheese/reg. cheese, etc. This year I'm also giving up french fries for fruit or salad when I eat out. Carbs when eating out will be a challenge....hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, rolls at the steakhouse, etc. If I do eat out its generally a sandwich on wheat, so its not a terrible choice but still.

My flowers are all starting to bloom out front. Especially my bulbs that my sister and I planted last fall. I love flowers!! I have been fighting the urge to go buy more to plant. I really want a snap dragon plant and some marigolds! I need to get my garden started too or its gonna be too late to get a start on it! Tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, carrots maybe, and probably a few other plants are what I'm going to try to get in this year.

It is almost time to start having to mow grass again. I actually like mowing grass, its the heat that kills me! But I'm looking forward to it because of the mulch that I will be able to put into my garden and compost pile! And I love the smell of fresh cut grass!!

More goals for 2010: Finish my t-shirt quilt (almost there!!); read through the pile of un-read books; mend blankets and dog beds that are sitting around the house; organize scrapbook stuff; get my windshield replaced; find a better paying job or an additional one; walk every possible evening after work and on days off; do things for me without being irresponsible!

I have decided that I am going to have some beach days all to myself this summer....Grab a book, a chair, the Ipod, sunscreen, water and a towel and GO! Just to....be. Nothing more nothing less. Oh yes, have to take the baby powder to knock sand off afterwards, flip flops, sunglasses, camera, and a note book (can't leave home without it, might get inspired.)  Aww...just the thought of that relaxes my racing mind and heart!

More later on "a year ago"; "gentle goals"; replay of "favorite things" list....

Questions & Reflections

Sitting here listening to some of my old favorites--music that is. I grew up loving John Denver and I pretty much have his whole collection and know all of his songs! To me, his music is soothing, real, beautiful, relaxing.

It's been a rough day, a rough week, a rough year for that matter. January was awful! I was taking an extremely difficult to understand class with an even worse teacher; fostering a super hyper dog whom wouldn't obey or listen; and living in utter chaos because I was too depressed to clean house, cook, or even pay bills. February was a little better. But then March has just been a LION! I am so tired of it! I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of the being unorganized, I'm tired of my house falling apart, I'm tired of not making much more than what my house payment is every month and not seeming to find either a better job or a 2nd job to make up the difference. I'm just tired! I want to retreat! To go hide somewhere! I will soon....camp is just 20 days away!

Today has not been the greatest either. Although I have to admit that the majority of my stress comes from work. That in and of itself is another blog entry that is better left private because of the grapevine that is out there. My heat is still out and although I could probably run it on Emergency heat, #1 when I turned it on it smelled bad, and #2 I have a sneaky feeling that probably would run my power up. The advantage to my heat being out is that my power bill for March shouldn't be too high ! HAHA! But its at the cost of being chilly--which normally I wouldn't mind but it was cold out today with rain and no sun!

I had to have my water heater and surrounding floor replaced recently, which means I had to take everything out of the closet where the heater is at. I now have half the amount of closet because the water heater is larger than the original. So my Christmas tubs still fit but I had to move my linen closet out. It is now in the closet of the extra bedroom; the one I keep hoping to rent out. Probably will get a "bite" now that I'm actually trying to use all that empty/wasted space. I have been working in the extra bedroom (one of 3 junk rooms) and have ran across a bunch of stuff that doesn't have a good home.

That stuff included a box full of scrapbook pages, and a briefcase full of "book" items from the book my "soon-to-be-ex" and I wrote/published. What do you do with 5 years of your life? What do you do with things that were a result of "us" ? And will you always feel like your connected to that person? How do keep memories that you know one day will make you smile but right now just make you want to cry again? What do you do with a trunk full of wedding stuff? A wedding dress that was the most expensive thing you had ever bought up to that day in your life? Your dream dress that you wouldn't dare wear a 2nd time, but yet don't want to get rid of it just yet or ever?  What do you do with the rings that with them you vowed "til death do us part" , "in sickness, and in health; for richer or for poorer"; that have the special inscription on the inside of them that was supposed to be a lifelong promise and reminder of Who the love was built on?? The necklace you were given on your first date? Not to mention all the pictures and letters from that once-special person?

Memories like this just simply shut me down right now. I have so many questions with no answers and that bothers me. I'm pulling up to yet another crossroads in my life and I'm stuck. It has been almost a year. And it seems that the closer that year gets here, the harder it gets to keep walking. Maybe because the anger and hatred is gone, maybe because its the ending of a chapter of my life; maybe because its just plain sad. I miss my in-law family and even though I know they would welcome me with open arms and even though I know they still love me, its awkward! I do wanted to keep the trips to see them going but so far its only happened once. They will always be family to me, no matter what! Some people I know don't understand that, but you don't just throw away a whole group of people because one of them hurt you!

What do you do when the very thought of a very special grandparent sends you almost to hysterics because you miss them so much? When the memory of their death is as if it happened yesterday? Does the pain ever go away?

I am turning 25 this year and I look back and ask myself what do I have to show for the last 5 years?  A marriage that ended in divorce; a house that costs more than its worth and has too many problems to count or keep up with; a go-nowhere job that I'm not happy at; multiple half-finished or barely-started projects that drive you crazy every time you look at them!  I did graduate high school (more than 5 years ago); started back to college; helping to build a church; made new friendships and relationships; renewed old friendships; raised a dog from a pup; went camping for the first time 3 years ago this spring and have gone every year since; bought 2 cars...only 1 has been a keeper; paid off a credit card that brought a lot of pain to my life; started a blog!; went through a ga-zillion jobs; turned into a person who doesn't take crap from many people anymore. There's always good mixed in with the bad but its hard to see it sometimes!

There is so much I want to accomplish this year. I just dont know where to start.